You Need to Know

After the abrupt end to my relationship with Justin, I moved back to my parents' house where I finished the rest of school. The lease on the house Justin and I had shared was set to expire in January. When we were building our dream, we had decided to resign the lease for another year together. Rather than attempt to find another place, I commuted from my hometown to school, which was quite convenient with only one class a week and my internship and dance obligations. After a week of processing this loss, I reached out to Justin in an attempt to repair what had been broken. While I couldn't bring myself to explain what had really happened, I held onto a thin shard of optimism that maybe we could return to what we had, and leave the last few weeks behind. I had even cut off all contact with Aaron after leaving his house that morning, and went as far as blocking his number. I wanted to forget him and what he did to destroy my relationship in the worst way.

I quickly lost that optimism when Justin and I met at a coffee shop near our old house and he made it clear that he no longer wanted anything to do with me. We had hardly sat down and Justin informed me there was no chance of fixing anything after leaving him when all he does is work hard for me. While this was not at all what I  wanted to hear, I knew better than to fight it. Instead, I tried to keep it civilized and address the big priority: figuring out the lease and setting up a time to come back and get my larger items. While I wanted to stop by with my dad and his truck to gather my belongings and leave the key behind, Justin insisted he did not trust us alone there. This came as a surprise to me; I would never do anything other than grab what belonged to me, and Justin had always loved my dad. Wanting to just get it over with and not feel any more pain, I agreed to a time and day that worked for Justin to be there and we went our separate ways.

Three days before Christmas, the day we had agreed on for me to come back for my furniture and the rest of my belongings, my dad and I drove into the city with him trying to keep me positive the whole ride. He didn't even know the reason behind my split with Justin; nobody did. All he knew was what I had told him in the few months leading up to our split when we would spend time together just talking. I couldn't tell him the horrible person I had become, because I couldn't even stand what I had done. When we arrived, Justin wasn't there but there was another car in the garage. When my phone call went straight to voicemail, my dad made the decision to let ourselves in rather than wait for Justin to show up. 

We had gathered almost everything and were moving the couch and living room set my parents had bought me when the door opened and Justin walked in, Ashley trailing  behind him. He took one look around before shouting, "What the hell do you think you are doing?", to which I replied we had waited nearly 45 minutes after the time set by Justin and he still wasn't around. He defensively said Ashley's car was having issues and he had to take her to finish her Christmas shopping. Something didn't seem right but I didn't want to push the issue any further. While Ashley and Justin watched, my dad and I loaded up the last of the furniture and I left my key, letting Justin know I would stop by the leasing office to take my name off the new lease. After a quick stop at the leasing office to remove my name from the new lease in January and getting my deposit back, we were back home with my furniture all moved into my parents' basement. 

While I was home and surrounded by family who thankfully didn't push for details on my failed relationship, I couldn't quite get myself into the festivities of the holidays and spent most of my time sitting alone and nursing a drink. This was the first Christmas I had spent alone in years, and felt lost without the feeling of sharing gifts with somebody special. 

The holidays passed and the loneliness continued into my final semester. While leaving campus after taking care of arrangements for graduation in the spring, I ran into Aaron for the first time after the night at his house. He had heard about Justin and I and asked how I was holding up. When I tried to convince him I was holding up alright, he gave me look telling me he could see right through my act. I was surprised when he told me I was better off, and the only one that couldn't see how Justin had been treating me. Before letting me go, he asked to get together and hang out sometime. It might have been the loneliness or the subtle flirtation that had existed between us, but I agreed.

After running into each other that day, Aaron and I easily fell into our old friendship, but the chemistry had intensified greatly. I had forgotten what it felt like to have somebody interested in me, and began to enjoy Aaron's attention. By March, we were regularly spending time together, with me spending 3 or 4 nights a week at his house. Our relationship was carefree and so easy. We had just made the relationship official when Justin began finding his way back in my life claiming he wanted to try to work on us again. He was easy to ignore at first, but began trying to cause more and more problems for Aaron and I. 

Just before graduation, Aaron told me he valued our friendship and me as a person, but could not be in a relationship where the past couldn't stay in the past. I was so scared of being alone that losing this relationship that had hardly been a relationship devastated me. 

Before going our separate ways, Aaron brought up that December night, "I always assumed you knew what happened that night, but if you don't remember, I wanted to promise you nothing happened. You were extremely drunk and I tried to get you to go to bed instead of driving back to your house. You wandered up to my room and began ranting about everything that was going on with Justin before taking off all of your clothes and claiming my bed. I knew your relationship was going through a tough time, but I wouldn't have been able to do something like that. I slept downstairs that night. One of the girls from the group called Justin to let him know but he didn't answer. We never talked about it and I didn't want to bring it up and you freeze me out. You deserve to know."

Aaron's confession both relieved and shocked me. I ended my relationship with Justin for nothing but I could move on knowing I did not act how I had thought I did. I could have had another chance with Justin, but I knew things were beyond repair and we had both changed. I also had an upcoming move to handle. In the time since I left Justin, I began looking at graduate programs and jobs, ready to truly leave the hurt behind me. I had committed to this move to Minnesota and had landed a job at a large clinic as an athletic trainer. I had been excited for the new start, but felt the pain of leaving family and close friends behind, leaving my dance career, and finally cutting the ties that held me to the past five years. 

Lyndsey was my best friend, but I had cut nearly everybody out, including her, and only spent small amounts of time with her without giving her too much detail surrounding my relationship. Having her on the phone now and confessing my last six months to her felt so relieving.

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell what was going on as it was happening. You always have my back and I should have known I would need your support," my voice shook as I finished filling Lyndsey in.

"Ellie," Lyndsey began, using the nickname she had given me back in high school she made up from the initials of my first names, "I'm glad Aaron was honest with what really happened but he should have told you way before he did. I don't care if he was worried about your reaction. Even if you had done what you thought you did, I would be here for you. It's not right and I don't agree, but I understand where it would have been coming from."

I couldn't have been more grateful for the support Lyndsey was giving me and I missed my best friend more than ever.

"Thank you so much Lyndsey. I felt so guilty for so long. After it happened, I tried to rebuild the relationship with Justin but he wanted nothing to do with me and of course I didn't tell him the truth. I wish I had known this before leaving. Maybe we would have another chance. Sometimes I wish I didn't commit to moving here so we could have fixed it when he did come around. Anyway," I continued, my mood brightening, "I'm so glad I got to talk to you, Lynds. I miss you so much. I forgot how easy it is to tell you everything."

Lyndsey was quiet for a minute before saying, "I missed you too, Lila Eloise. Don't regret that your relationship with Justin ended and you didn't get to give it another chance. There's actually something you need to know."

Slight Delay

Hi readers,

Thank you so much for all of your support this far! I know I haven't posted and you must be curious when the next post will be up. I am up for a promotion at work but it has to be conpetitive among employees (more than one candidate). The process includes an interview, presenting in front of a panel, as well as a series of knowledge and practical exams. The final round of the procks is this week, so I have been spending the last few weeks focusing and preparing for this whole deal.  I would much rather be writing this blog, and can't wait to return after this week after everything calms down. 

See you all soon!

Darkest Dreams

I locked the door behind me as I walked into the garage and started up my car. I slowly backed it out of the driveway and watched the garage door closed and the house I shared with Justin stood empty with dark approaching; one of us leaving it for the night and one of us having not yet returned for the night. On my drive across town, I began to feel the weight of regret pushing down on me. Maybe I should have just stayed home and sat up alone according to my normal routine. Was I really going to this party to get away from my lonely nights or was that just a facade I was using, knowing that Aaron would be there? My mind wandered further down the rabbit hole as I thought of the last two months. 

Justin had been my high school sweetheart and we stuck together through most of my college career. We both came from the same small town outside of Milwaukee and Justin had made the move into the city to share a home with me and to spend every day by my side. He had supported me through my many career changes and every decision I had made. He pushed me further than I could have ever imagined pushing myself in my dance career and saw the potential I hadn't seen in myself. His encouragement and unwavering support had only increased when I made dancing for a professional basketball team my newest goal. I had spent the past two years balancing school and two different teams, while being blessed by having Justin's strong arms to catch me when I fell and keep pushing me forward. Here I was, only five short months from finishing my undergrad, with a job already lined up, my life partner hinting at proposing to me any day. I swore we had it all.

Our last couple of months had become increasingly rocky, but we agreed it was caused by the growing stress of finishing school. Justin began to resent my time devoted to my career. If I wasn't in one of my few classes left, I was putting in clinicals or putting extra time into my internship. Many nights were taken up by practices and performances. Although Justin reassured my that he understood this was what I needed to do to further myself and it would slow down after May, I could sense the growing tension it caused between us and did the best I could to better the situation. Justin only seemed to push back, taking on longer hours in his merchandising job to gain more accounts. When he began missing our date nights we had agreed to so we had time committed only to each other and my game nights, I brought it up. His only response was that it was what he needed to do to keep this roof over my head and food on the table, since I wasn't making much of a salary to contribute. 

"I need to make this extra money for the house you want and the ring you want," has played over and over again in my mind and pierced my heart, the guilt of  being too demanding on Justin only becoming heavier.

I began to question if we truly had the same plans for our future and became increasingly lonely as dinners would sit cold for hours and Justin would come home later and later, with hardly any acknowledgement. On a rainy September night, I knew our relationship was truly changing. It was my birthday and I had the day off from my internship and practices. Justin had promised to move all of the accounts to the days following to take the day off and spend it with me. I had tried to keep my mind off of my disappointment and pass the day shopping, excited to at least spend half of the day with Justin. I had just pulled back into the garage with some new wardrobe pieces and something special for tonight when I received a text from Justin.

I'm really sorry L, I tried to schedule everybody for different days but I can't make it work. I had a few more accounts come in and am behind. Going to have to stay really late tonight. I promise we will make up for it this weekend, have a surprise planned for you.

I tried to hold the tears back and put my new purchases away before I called Justin. When he answered on the last ring, he seemed distracted. 

"Justin you promised. I understand you having to go in today, but can't you make something work for tonight?" I tried my best not to whine and to be patient.

"I told you I'm sorry. I really am. I already have a surprise in mind for you to make it up and I'll make sure I have a day off this weekend or something."

I fought to hold back the rage I felt building and tried pleading once more, "You work so hard, just take this night off. The accounts will still be there. Please. I have wanted to spend this night with you more than anything and we need this time. I feel like the only time we have together is when we share the same bed at night."

I heard a heavy sigh on the other end of the phone and knew what was coming, "I have to work this hard to provide for you. What about when I want time together and you have to run off to some practice or performance or something comes up at the clinic," he paused for a moment, "I'm really sorry and want to be there with you. I... I uh... I really need to get going to finish up."

Once again, I felt like I had brought this on myself. "Okay, have a great night at work. I love you."

"Sounds great, we'll catch up later," and then the line was dead. I couldn't hold the tears back any longer and sat on the kitchen floor, becoming a sobbing mess. We were both busy but this was becoming too much. This was my birthday, and I was spending it alone.

That was the night I turned to Aaron. He was part of my clinical group and we usually carried a witty banter between the two of us that the others in the group never really understood. He had hinted at his interest in me before but I shrugged it off, knowing I would never give Justin up. Lately, he had been trying to get me to come out with him and some of our mutual friends in our rotation, but I stubbornly turned him down each time. I reached for my phone and typed up a group message.

Well guys, turns out I don't have any birthday plans and the sun isn't even down. Who wants to make some plans?

Instantly, my phone was flooded with apologetic messages and the group made plans to do a birthday pub crawl. I texted a few other of my friends outside of the clinical group, including my lifelong best friend, Lyndsey, who had also attended the university only 30 minutes from our hometown. As I got ready to go out, I saw a message outside of the group conversation fro m Aaron, telling me it was about time I made some more friends. I sent him one back, teasing him he should consider himself lucky I was allowing him to be in my presence other than wrapping ankles for the same football team. We chatted through the night and became closer as friends, agreeing to hang out every now and then. He understood my situation with Justin and encouraged me in different ways to work things out between us.

In the few months that followed, I spent more time with Aaron, enjoying the friendship, and possibly even the male attention I had at my disposal. Our conversations were easy, sarcastic, and we just clicked. Every now and then, our friendship would always border on flirtation. At times, I felt a slight pang of guilt and wondered if Justin would be hurt if he knew how close Aaron and I were. That guilt would soon be washed away as I was reminded that he knew about Aaron and had a close female friend at work. He and Ashley worked closely together and spent a fair amount of time at work in each others' presence. The few times we had her over for dinner, I thought she was nice but could see she had slightly more than a friendly interest in Justin. I never saw him reciprocate and he assured me that he would never let something like that happen, and I never thought much of her presence. We were both mature and secure in our relationship.

I snapped out of my thoughts as the river of headlights thinned into a few passing cars here and there. I pulled into the drive of Aaron's house and walked up the front steps, shivering from the bitter December air. The door swung open and Aaron greeted me with a warm bear hug that instantly warmed my body. Our clinical group had become very close over the semester and we were throwing a party to celebrate the end of the semester and clinicals. I had arrived late and everybody was well on their way, but I quickly caught up. The night quickly became a blur of loud music and laughter, ending in me staggering up the stairs toward Aaron's room.

The next morning, I woke up alone in Aaron's room, wearing nothing but the sheets. I rolled over to check the time and saw I had a single missed call from Justin. The fog started to clear as the realization hit. I shot out of bed and began gathering my clothes that were scattered around the room and hastily pulled them on. I smoothed my hair and wiped the smudged mascara from under my eyes before grabbing my phone and bolting down the stairs where I found everybody gathered in the kitchen and Aaron serving waffles. I avoided eye contact with him as he asked if I wanted breakfast and I declined. I could not get out of that house fast enough.

As I sped home, all I could think about was what I had done to Justin. There was no way I could repair the final crack I had put in our relationship. When I arrived home, I found no sign of Justin. It normally would have made my heart ache once again, but today I felt lucky. I began snatching my clothes off of their hangers and packing up everything I could fit in my car. I had already done enough to hurt Justin, so I would be the one to move out. I would finish my school year living back in my parents' house and figure my situation out from there. It would be a bit of a commute but I was prepared to handle it. As I stuffed the last item into my car, Justin came walking into the half empty house with a puzzled look on his face.

"What's going on," he asked curiously.

I couldn't tell him in complete detail what had happened, so I made up a pathetic excuse, "Justin, I love you more than I could ever possibly say, and this is going to hurt me just as much as it hurts you, but I'm moving out. You will always mean so much to me, but I don't think I can do this to you anymore. I'm committing so much time to school, beginning my career, and the Bucks, that its unfair to you. As much as I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I can't keep putting so much strain on you and our relationship while I'm out here trying to find my way. I love you, but we both need to find who we truly are," I said as the tears formed.

Justin fell to his knees with a look of hurt that will forever be burned in my memory.

I bolted up drenched in a cold sweat and wiped the tears that had formed in my sleep. I checked my phone for the time and saw that I had managed to sleep until 5 this time. These nightmares had plagued me since I had moved in and I couldn't shake off the events that had led me here. I laid back down and tried to fall back asleep, but the same events I had dreamt about swam around in my head. As much as I wished it all to be a bad dream, I knew I had no such luck. I had ruined my relationship with Justin and disguised this move as pursuing a career and graduate school, yet I knew I was just trying to run away from the past.

I laid in bed until 8 when I couldn't lay down anymore and decided to finish the rest of my unpacking. I continued until 4:00 and knowing it was Tuesday, waited another half hour for Lyndsey to get home from the school she taught at before calling her to confess the true story behind my split with Justin.