I'm in a slump.

Hey readers, I'm sorry for the lack of posts. I'm in a weird slump in my personal life. I can't find any inspiration and have no drive to do anything. I'm working on the same post I have been for a month. I hope to kick whatever this funk is and get posts back up soon, but I can't make promises or give a time line. Thank you to the readers that are still checking in and I'm so, so sorry to those of you that feel lied to. I'll be back soon, hopefully.

Also, when I come back, would you as readers prefer to keep the story going and have it not match up with realtime, or would you like me to try to fast forward to catch up to real time?

Relieved

I sat, frozen by the words that had come out of my dad's mouth. Even though we lived in a small Milwaukee suburb, it was still a large area and the chance that he had started dating Ashley's mom should have been impossible. I tried to calm down by reminding myself that Ashley is a very common name and I shouldn't jump to any conclusions. Maybe it was just my recent discovery that tricked my mind into making that connection. I would have had myself convinced but the Ashley I knew also had a mother named Roxanne.

"Are you still there?" I heard my dad cut through the phone.

"Yeah...yes I'm still here. Dad, can you call me back when you're alone There was something I wanted to talk to you about."

"Sure honey, is everything ok?" I could hear the concern in his voice; he had always been a protective papa bear, especially with his only daughter. "Roxanne is going to dinner with her daughter and her boyfriend in a half hour. I can call you back then if you would like."

My assumption about my dad's new friend only grew worse hearing this. "Sure, I'll leave the volume on my phone up. I love you."

"Love you more," my dad responded before we hung up.

For the next 30 minutes, I let myself be consumed by what ifs. What if my dad and Roxanne got serious? Would that mean I would be seeing Ashley and Justin at holidays? Would he still be a regular around my family? If that was the case, I would not be going home for the holidays. Would my dad even believe me? Would she replace me as his daughter because she was still back home? There was no way I would be able to face the constant reminder of how I really lost Justin.

After what seemed like a millennium, but was really only 30 minutes on the dot, my dad called me back. I answered on the first ring, “Hi Dad.”

I barely got the words out of my mouth before he began ambushing me with questions, “Are you alright? What’s going on? Did something happen? Do you need me to come up to Minneapolis? What couldn’t you tell me?”

I took a deep breathe to keep myself together and began explaining, “I’m fine Dad. Well, mostly. Nothing has happened to me here and I don’t need you to bother yourself with making a trip up here before I’ve even gotten started. I just wanted to talk to you about me and Justin. I know I really closed myself off to everybody when that was going on and I never even really told you what was happening. To make it worse, I talked to Lyndsey the weekend I moved in and learned some things I didn’t even know. Please just let me get through the story and hear me out first.”

For the next twenty minutes, I recounted the details about how Justin and I started going downhill, how I thought I was getting involved with Aaron, how I broke it off, and finally how I found out from Lyndsey what had really happened. I tried to keep myself calm as I got to the part where I learned who the other woman was and I explained to my dad that he was now getting involved with her mother. I wrapped up everything I wanted to get out and waited for my dad to process.

After a solid pause, I heard him let a long, slow breathe out and slowly begin to answer, “Honey, I had no idea. I’m a little bit hurt that you kept me out of that much going on in your life. I know it was a really difficult time for you and I know that’s sometimes how you process your hardships, but I would have, and always will stand behind you no matter what. You know I love you unconditionally and would never stand against you and your decisions, especially if you are hurting. I wish I would have known so that I could support you, and maybe I wouldn’t have been so shocked when you did leave Justin. I don’t care if other people think you did the wrong thing by leaving him, your happiness should come above everything. I just wish I had known and maybe I would have seen it happening and been able to convince you.”

I felt myself begin to relax and remembered how good it felt to have my dad’s support.

“I’m glad I know what really happened and want you to know that anybody cheating on you is not your fault. You are an incredibly talented young woman. You are absolutely beautiful and your passion and drive to do anything you set your mind to is something that any man should seek out in a woman. You have the best heart and so much love to give. I don’t just say this because you’re my daughter and inherited my best traits”, we both laughed, “but because it is true and don’t you dare let anyone make you feel it isn’t. None of that is your fault baby girl. However, I know you, and I know how you get an idea and run with it. I think you are convincing yourself that there is a connection between my new friend and the end of your relationship. I understand it’s quite a coincidence to have that combination of names, but remember how big of an area and how many Ashleys you know. Please try to get that idea out of your head. I don’t see it being true and I don’t want you to worry yourself.”

I tried to protest and convince him that it was true but he cut me off, “Roxanne and I are not serious by any means and are trying to take things slow. I have not met her kids yet and I won’t be introducing her to you and your brother for a while. If things do become serious, I want you to meet her before we move forward any more. You know your opinion matters to me, and I want to be with somebody you get along with and you think is good for me. I am very sure it’s not the same woman, Lila Eloise, but if I find out it is when I meet her kids, I’m not too proud to tell you you’re right.”

I tried to relax a little more after my dad’s reassurance, but I couldn’t quite shake the feeling I had. He was probably right that I had taken the thought and ran with it, and I just needed a few days to settle down and let it go. I thank him for listening to me and felt so relieved that he knew what had been going on. We chatted a little more about my move and my new house, and how I was looking forward to my new jobs and my classes. Before I knew it, an hour had quickly passed. We started to wrap up our conversation and said our goodbyes.

“Lila Eloise, thank you for calling me. I was missing you already and I am so happy you let me back in and told me about Justin. Remember you are so much better and don’t let anything stop you from moving on and being your best, happiest self. Don’t you hesitate to call me and talk about it more if you’re still hurting. I’m always your biggest fan! Stay out of trouble and don’t forget about us back home!”

I laughed at his less than subtle hint to stay in touch, “I won’t forget about you Daddy. Thank you for listening to me and letting me tell you what I hadn’t been. Keep Kyler out of trouble for me! Remember, if he’s trying to bring a girl home, you let me know. I can’t let just anybody around him.”

We both laughed at my protectiveness of my brother. He may have stood well over a foot taller than me, but he was still my baby brother and now that he was coming into the dating age, I was not about to back off. We said goodbye to each other and I put my phone down and felt much lighter. I was more than happy that my dad listened to my story and stood behind me. The only thing that kept weighing me down was the nagging feeling I had about his new love interest. I tried to shrug it off, reminding myself that my dad was right and it was probably coincidence. Besides, I had to focus on getting ready for my first day at work the next day.

I flipped on my stereo system and put some music on and walked through my bedroom to my glorious closet, where I had set up two sides with clothes and shoes and placed an oversized, full length mirror in the middle against the back wall. I began looking for an outfit for my first day at the clinic. Luckily for me, my master’s program partnered with the clinic I would be working at, so my job could actually count for clinical hours within my program. Most students just shadowed, but I was able to get a full time job that would work around classes two afternoons a week. I would be working as an assistant trainer to high school and college athletes that used the clinic’s sport medicine program as their primary athletic training. My first week was to be mostly training and individual meetings, so I was to dress business casual. The general dress code for my department was fairly casual, and I was told jeans and comfortable shoes were standard.

After emptying half of my closet, I found the perfect outfit for my first day and laid it out before putting the discarded articles back in their original place. I knew I wouldn’t sleep much that night, as I never do when I’m excited so I got ready for bed and settled in even though it was only 7:30.

Phone Home

Hi readers! I'm sorry I went MIA for nearly two months without explanation. I don't really have an excuse other than I started slacking on writing and before I knew it, I had lost where I was going with the story. I rewrote, deleted, and rewrote some more to get this post up and couldn't really come up with something I liked. I finally got this post out, and it's still not my favorite work. I hope you enjoy the new post if you're still following and I will have a new one up much sooner than I got this one up. Also, I am posting this from my phone, so if the formatting looks funny please let me know!

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I spent the rest of the week moving through a thick fog. I finished my unpacking and sought out retail therapy in an attempt to distract myself. Maybe a new collection of clothes for work and a few new pairs of shoes could lift my mood the way spending ludicrous amounts of money on material things usually did.

While I returned home with a full vehicle of items to unpack, I still felt separated from myself the whole day. It was as if my body was shopping and unpacking, carrying on without me, but my mind stayed back, hooked on my last conversation with Justin and the news that Lyndsey broke to me. I had kept very quiet about our issues and taken the fall for our end, not knowing what had happened between Aaron and I, and wanting to protect Justin. None of my family knew the real reason behind it and some questioned me about my choice. Many of them loved Justin and were shocked, even disappointed when we broke up. Lyndsey was the only one of my friends that knew the truth, making me feel I had nowhere else to turn with this news.

I couldn't help blaming myself for Justin cheating on me. Maybe if I had focused more on him and less on my success, he wouldn't have turned to someone else for his needs. Maybe he thought there was something going on with Aaron and this was his way of coping. I couldn't believe how long he had carried this on for and how he was able to turn it on me and make me blame myself.

By the end of the week, I felt so trapped inside my head and sick of my thoughts running in the same circles, I called my dad for a long heart-to-heart. I loved Lyndsey to death, but my dad was truly my best friend and we had always been very close. We became much closer after my mom passed away shortly after my little brother Kyler, turned 1.

She began struggling with alcoholism when I was 4, and was recovering for some time before relapsing shortly before my parents found out she was pregnant with Kyler when I was 8. She used the pregnancy to convince my dad not to leave her and to prove she was sobering up once again. He would catch her sneaking drinks here and there through the pregnancy and she'd promise it was the last time.

In her last trimester, she sobered up again and thankfully, Kyler was unharmed and healthy when he was born. My dad finally left my mom a few weeks after Kyler came home when I called him from our home phone at work because Kyler was crying and my mom wouldn't do anything to make him stop. He came home to her passed out on the couch next to an empty brandy bottle. When I was old enough to understand, my dad explained to me that he had filed divorce but given my mom a small stipend to find her own place, since my dad had always taken care of the bills even though she also held a job. He gained full custody of us and would only let my mom visit at our house, if she was sober.

On a night she was supposed to come visit, she went to the bar instead and wrapped her car around a telephone pole on her way back to her apartment. The first responders found her dead when they arrived. I was 9 when she died, and didn't remember much of her. I never let it affect me growing up, and my dad did a phenomenal job of raising my brother and me. He was so dedicated to us that he hardly dated, and had only brought 3 women into the house over the years. I was lucky enough to come from a very tight-knit family, and my dad's sister stepped up to become a mother figure to us and was conveniently our neighbor so she was able to watch us during the day while our dad was working.

Growing up just the three of us, my relationship with my dad was great and I told him everything. He was my best friend by my side through the petty fights with friends in middle school and the countless boy problems. He was always in the front row of all of my dance performances and even learned some of my routines when I was younger to help practice. However, he had no idea of the truth behind Justin and me.

I played with the ends of my hair and made a note to do some research on stylist as I listened to his phone ring.

When he finally picked up, I heard his warm voice boom through the earpiece, "There you are! I thought you forgot about your lowly father in your big time, grad school life!"

His sarcasm made me smile and miss all the time we spent joking with each other.

"Hey daddy. I'm sorry I didn't call. I didn't forget about you and I miss you so much. I've just been busy trying to settle in and I've been having a little bit of a hard time, which is what I... is that a woman I hear in the background?"

I paused after I heard what sounded like a female voice greeting my dad on the other end.

He chuckled nervously and said, "Well I wanted to hear all about you but you busted me. I'm seeing someone."

I couldn't contain my excitement. My dad deserved someone in his lif, especially now that I was on my own and Kyler was growing up and not needing to always be taken care of.

"Well Daddio, who's the lucky lady? I need to research her to make sure she's fit for you," I laughed.

"You might know her actually," he answered, "her name is Roxanne. She has a daughter about your age. I think her name is Ashley."

Confessional

"There's actually something you need to know."

The serious tone that had crept into Lyndsey's voice after I mentioned losing another chance with Justin left me feeling suspicious and my mind began to wander. Because of our close friendship, she was around Justin a lot and the got along well. She had always liked him until the last few months of our relationship when she told me something didn't seem right, and she didn't maintain a friendship with him after that. Had she talked to him recently? Did she know something I didn't about our relationship?

Lyndsey pulled me out of my thoughts by saying, "It's about Justin."

My heart sank as I realized it couldn't be good news. Did I even want to know? Much of my move was inspired by trying to leave Justin and the bad memories in the past. Was what Lyndsey wanted to tell me going to pull me back into that past? Curiosity got the best of me and I asked Lyndsey what she meant.

"I don't want to tell you to upset you, but you're my best friend and I want you to know the truth," she paused and took a breath and continued, "about your relationship with Justin."

At this, my stomach dropped even further knowing I was about to hear something that would break my heart. I barely managed to squeak out an answer to Lyndsey to tell me.

"One of the aides I work with is friends with Ashley and she was chatting with me the other day at in-service. She said something about helping move one of her friends into her new house. We are both the newest faculty so we bonded a little bit and I try to get to know her and have conversation with her. I didn't really think anything of it so of course I asked her a little more about where her friend was moving and how long they had been together. So, she starts describing the neighborhood and it really sounds like the place you lived with Justin... then she describes the house. It's your old place," she stopped to let me process.

I had an idea where she was going with this but I kept the denial strong and chimed in, "Maybe he's moved since then?"

Lyndsey sighed and continued, "No Lila. Because then she told me his name was Justin," another pause and a deep breath, "Then she said she first met this guy when her friend Ashley began bringing him around their friend group in early September, and her friend started talking about him in August. She said she really thinks this is the guy for Ashley and he does so much for her. I guess he did a lot of putting off work and leaving early to spend time with her and make it to their friend group functions. Apparently this was a huge sacrifice for him because as she told me, this guy was working to make up the money he spent supporting his ex-girlfriend who demanded everything but refused to contribute financially and often disappeared on him for days at a time. Lila, the reason Justin was MIA so much those last few months is Ashley."

I felt my head spinning as I tried to put together what Lyndsey had told me. I had been around Ashley. She knew I was Justin's girlfriend and that we lived together and I knew that she was Justin's friend from work. How did I miss this? Had she known what she was doing or did Justin tell her something else? I spent so many months questioning how I let our relationship fail and what I was doing wrong. Could I have prevented this by spending more time with Justin and less time pursuing my career?

Before I knew it, the thoughts began to pour out in a landslide as I begged Lyndsey for some answers. When she tenderly answered, "I'm so sorry. I wish I was there with you to make this easier for you." I couldn't hold back the tears and we spent the next few minutes with Lyndsey giving me words of comfort in between my sobs.

When I finally gathered myself again, I raked Lyndsey over the coals for more answers. "Did you say anything to her?"

"I didn't know what to say, so I just kind of changed the subject. If she brings up Ashley and Justin again, do you want me to say something to her?"

I considered this for a minute. Is this something I wanted to get involved in or leave miles away from me?

"Maybe hold off on saying anything. I just... Lynds, I don't understand how it happened and the story Ashley's friend told you. And how didn't I think anything of her being over or Justin talking about her at work? How could I let this happen?"

"Lila Eloise. I want you to listen to me right now," Lyndsey started sternly, "You are gorgeous and intelligent and driven. You have such a big heart and are already so successful. You're so talented and there is nothing wrong with you that would warrant being treated like that. I think Ashley knew what was going on. I think both her and Justin are making up a story and spreading the lie to make themselves look better. I mean, who is going to admit they were destroying another relationship? Justin looking like the poor, abandoned victim and Ashley looking like the blessing that comes in and fixed his life is the perfect way to cover up the truth behind their relationship. I know this is so fucked up, but please PLEASE don't beat yourself up over this. It's been almost a year and you're off on a great new start for yourself. There's no way you could have seen it and that's not something you should have to question when you have been together as long and you and Justin were. He's not worth any worrying from you. I promise if I hear this making its way around, I'll squash it."

I let a small smile slip as I thanked Lyndsey for breaking the news to me and having my back. We chatted a little more before hanging up. I let out a long stream of air as I mentally recapped what I had just learned. For those last few months we were together, when it seemed like Justin was slipping away because of work while he was actually falling into Ashley. All of those cancellations should have been a red flag but he let me believe trying to provide for us was taking so much of his time. For so much of that time, he let me believe I was hurting our relationship as a way to justify his behavior. And now, they've been together for almost a year and Ashley was moving into my old house. With Justin. I was still in shock that this was the truth behind the end of my relationship with Justin when I picked up my phone and began typing:

I made this move for me. I figured after spending so much time trying to be everything you wanted, it was time to really be what I wanted. Especially when it turns out you wanted something else. It would be slightly difficult to fix us and give us another chance when you're in a relationship, wouldn't it?

I aggressively jabbed at the send button and got up to continue working on the maze of boxed occupying my living room. I had powered through three boxes when my phone vibrated on the island and I checked it to find the response:

 Still only focused on yourself I see. You know I wouldn't be with Ashley if you had come to your senses and put in the effort to fix what YOU destroyed. She meant nothing to me, did you expect me to stand by while you hopped under the sheets with Aaron. It's not my fault she was a good rebound and it worked out to keep her around. I'd still be willing to give you a chance if you grew up and stopped chasing those silly dreams you think you're going to accomplish.

I reread the response once, twice, three times more before fighting back another round of tears and making a couple of screenshots. To reduce the pain I would be facing, I blocked Justin's number before deleting all conversations between us. I set my phone back on the island before sliding down to the floor and giving in to the first of many more rounds of body-shaking sobs.

You Need to Know

After the abrupt end to my relationship with Justin, I moved back to my parents' house where I finished the rest of school. The lease on the house Justin and I had shared was set to expire in January. When we were building our dream, we had decided to resign the lease for another year together. Rather than attempt to find another place, I commuted from my hometown to school, which was quite convenient with only one class a week and my internship and dance obligations. After a week of processing this loss, I reached out to Justin in an attempt to repair what had been broken. While I couldn't bring myself to explain what had really happened, I held onto a thin shard of optimism that maybe we could return to what we had, and leave the last few weeks behind. I had even cut off all contact with Aaron after leaving his house that morning, and went as far as blocking his number. I wanted to forget him and what he did to destroy my relationship in the worst way.

I quickly lost that optimism when Justin and I met at a coffee shop near our old house and he made it clear that he no longer wanted anything to do with me. We had hardly sat down and Justin informed me there was no chance of fixing anything after leaving him when all he does is work hard for me. While this was not at all what I  wanted to hear, I knew better than to fight it. Instead, I tried to keep it civilized and address the big priority: figuring out the lease and setting up a time to come back and get my larger items. While I wanted to stop by with my dad and his truck to gather my belongings and leave the key behind, Justin insisted he did not trust us alone there. This came as a surprise to me; I would never do anything other than grab what belonged to me, and Justin had always loved my dad. Wanting to just get it over with and not feel any more pain, I agreed to a time and day that worked for Justin to be there and we went our separate ways.

Three days before Christmas, the day we had agreed on for me to come back for my furniture and the rest of my belongings, my dad and I drove into the city with him trying to keep me positive the whole ride. He didn't even know the reason behind my split with Justin; nobody did. All he knew was what I had told him in the few months leading up to our split when we would spend time together just talking. I couldn't tell him the horrible person I had become, because I couldn't even stand what I had done. When we arrived, Justin wasn't there but there was another car in the garage. When my phone call went straight to voicemail, my dad made the decision to let ourselves in rather than wait for Justin to show up. 

We had gathered almost everything and were moving the couch and living room set my parents had bought me when the door opened and Justin walked in, Ashley trailing  behind him. He took one look around before shouting, "What the hell do you think you are doing?", to which I replied we had waited nearly 45 minutes after the time set by Justin and he still wasn't around. He defensively said Ashley's car was having issues and he had to take her to finish her Christmas shopping. Something didn't seem right but I didn't want to push the issue any further. While Ashley and Justin watched, my dad and I loaded up the last of the furniture and I left my key, letting Justin know I would stop by the leasing office to take my name off the new lease. After a quick stop at the leasing office to remove my name from the new lease in January and getting my deposit back, we were back home with my furniture all moved into my parents' basement. 

While I was home and surrounded by family who thankfully didn't push for details on my failed relationship, I couldn't quite get myself into the festivities of the holidays and spent most of my time sitting alone and nursing a drink. This was the first Christmas I had spent alone in years, and felt lost without the feeling of sharing gifts with somebody special. 

The holidays passed and the loneliness continued into my final semester. While leaving campus after taking care of arrangements for graduation in the spring, I ran into Aaron for the first time after the night at his house. He had heard about Justin and I and asked how I was holding up. When I tried to convince him I was holding up alright, he gave me look telling me he could see right through my act. I was surprised when he told me I was better off, and the only one that couldn't see how Justin had been treating me. Before letting me go, he asked to get together and hang out sometime. It might have been the loneliness or the subtle flirtation that had existed between us, but I agreed.

After running into each other that day, Aaron and I easily fell into our old friendship, but the chemistry had intensified greatly. I had forgotten what it felt like to have somebody interested in me, and began to enjoy Aaron's attention. By March, we were regularly spending time together, with me spending 3 or 4 nights a week at his house. Our relationship was carefree and so easy. We had just made the relationship official when Justin began finding his way back in my life claiming he wanted to try to work on us again. He was easy to ignore at first, but began trying to cause more and more problems for Aaron and I. 

Just before graduation, Aaron told me he valued our friendship and me as a person, but could not be in a relationship where the past couldn't stay in the past. I was so scared of being alone that losing this relationship that had hardly been a relationship devastated me. 

Before going our separate ways, Aaron brought up that December night, "I always assumed you knew what happened that night, but if you don't remember, I wanted to promise you nothing happened. You were extremely drunk and I tried to get you to go to bed instead of driving back to your house. You wandered up to my room and began ranting about everything that was going on with Justin before taking off all of your clothes and claiming my bed. I knew your relationship was going through a tough time, but I wouldn't have been able to do something like that. I slept downstairs that night. One of the girls from the group called Justin to let him know but he didn't answer. We never talked about it and I didn't want to bring it up and you freeze me out. You deserve to know."

Aaron's confession both relieved and shocked me. I ended my relationship with Justin for nothing but I could move on knowing I did not act how I had thought I did. I could have had another chance with Justin, but I knew things were beyond repair and we had both changed. I also had an upcoming move to handle. In the time since I left Justin, I began looking at graduate programs and jobs, ready to truly leave the hurt behind me. I had committed to this move to Minnesota and had landed a job at a large clinic as an athletic trainer. I had been excited for the new start, but felt the pain of leaving family and close friends behind, leaving my dance career, and finally cutting the ties that held me to the past five years. 

Lyndsey was my best friend, but I had cut nearly everybody out, including her, and only spent small amounts of time with her without giving her too much detail surrounding my relationship. Having her on the phone now and confessing my last six months to her felt so relieving.

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell what was going on as it was happening. You always have my back and I should have known I would need your support," my voice shook as I finished filling Lyndsey in.

"Ellie," Lyndsey began, using the nickname she had given me back in high school she made up from the initials of my first names, "I'm glad Aaron was honest with what really happened but he should have told you way before he did. I don't care if he was worried about your reaction. Even if you had done what you thought you did, I would be here for you. It's not right and I don't agree, but I understand where it would have been coming from."

I couldn't have been more grateful for the support Lyndsey was giving me and I missed my best friend more than ever.

"Thank you so much Lyndsey. I felt so guilty for so long. After it happened, I tried to rebuild the relationship with Justin but he wanted nothing to do with me and of course I didn't tell him the truth. I wish I had known this before leaving. Maybe we would have another chance. Sometimes I wish I didn't commit to moving here so we could have fixed it when he did come around. Anyway," I continued, my mood brightening, "I'm so glad I got to talk to you, Lynds. I miss you so much. I forgot how easy it is to tell you everything."

Lyndsey was quiet for a minute before saying, "I missed you too, Lila Eloise. Don't regret that your relationship with Justin ended and you didn't get to give it another chance. There's actually something you need to know."

Slight Delay

Hi readers,

Thank you so much for all of your support this far! I know I haven't posted and you must be curious when the next post will be up. I am up for a promotion at work but it has to be conpetitive among employees (more than one candidate). The process includes an interview, presenting in front of a panel, as well as a series of knowledge and practical exams. The final round of the procks is this week, so I have been spending the last few weeks focusing and preparing for this whole deal.  I would much rather be writing this blog, and can't wait to return after this week after everything calms down. 

See you all soon!

Darkest Dreams

I locked the door behind me as I walked into the garage and started up my car. I slowly backed it out of the driveway and watched the garage door closed and the house I shared with Justin stood empty with dark approaching; one of us leaving it for the night and one of us having not yet returned for the night. On my drive across town, I began to feel the weight of regret pushing down on me. Maybe I should have just stayed home and sat up alone according to my normal routine. Was I really going to this party to get away from my lonely nights or was that just a facade I was using, knowing that Aaron would be there? My mind wandered further down the rabbit hole as I thought of the last two months. 

Justin had been my high school sweetheart and we stuck together through most of my college career. We both came from the same small town outside of Milwaukee and Justin had made the move into the city to share a home with me and to spend every day by my side. He had supported me through my many career changes and every decision I had made. He pushed me further than I could have ever imagined pushing myself in my dance career and saw the potential I hadn't seen in myself. His encouragement and unwavering support had only increased when I made dancing for a professional basketball team my newest goal. I had spent the past two years balancing school and two different teams, while being blessed by having Justin's strong arms to catch me when I fell and keep pushing me forward. Here I was, only five short months from finishing my undergrad, with a job already lined up, my life partner hinting at proposing to me any day. I swore we had it all.

Our last couple of months had become increasingly rocky, but we agreed it was caused by the growing stress of finishing school. Justin began to resent my time devoted to my career. If I wasn't in one of my few classes left, I was putting in clinicals or putting extra time into my internship. Many nights were taken up by practices and performances. Although Justin reassured my that he understood this was what I needed to do to further myself and it would slow down after May, I could sense the growing tension it caused between us and did the best I could to better the situation. Justin only seemed to push back, taking on longer hours in his merchandising job to gain more accounts. When he began missing our date nights we had agreed to so we had time committed only to each other and my game nights, I brought it up. His only response was that it was what he needed to do to keep this roof over my head and food on the table, since I wasn't making much of a salary to contribute. 

"I need to make this extra money for the house you want and the ring you want," has played over and over again in my mind and pierced my heart, the guilt of  being too demanding on Justin only becoming heavier.

I began to question if we truly had the same plans for our future and became increasingly lonely as dinners would sit cold for hours and Justin would come home later and later, with hardly any acknowledgement. On a rainy September night, I knew our relationship was truly changing. It was my birthday and I had the day off from my internship and practices. Justin had promised to move all of the accounts to the days following to take the day off and spend it with me. I had tried to keep my mind off of my disappointment and pass the day shopping, excited to at least spend half of the day with Justin. I had just pulled back into the garage with some new wardrobe pieces and something special for tonight when I received a text from Justin.

I'm really sorry L, I tried to schedule everybody for different days but I can't make it work. I had a few more accounts come in and am behind. Going to have to stay really late tonight. I promise we will make up for it this weekend, have a surprise planned for you.

I tried to hold the tears back and put my new purchases away before I called Justin. When he answered on the last ring, he seemed distracted. 

"Justin you promised. I understand you having to go in today, but can't you make something work for tonight?" I tried my best not to whine and to be patient.

"I told you I'm sorry. I really am. I already have a surprise in mind for you to make it up and I'll make sure I have a day off this weekend or something."

I fought to hold back the rage I felt building and tried pleading once more, "You work so hard, just take this night off. The accounts will still be there. Please. I have wanted to spend this night with you more than anything and we need this time. I feel like the only time we have together is when we share the same bed at night."

I heard a heavy sigh on the other end of the phone and knew what was coming, "I have to work this hard to provide for you. What about when I want time together and you have to run off to some practice or performance or something comes up at the clinic," he paused for a moment, "I'm really sorry and want to be there with you. I... I uh... I really need to get going to finish up."

Once again, I felt like I had brought this on myself. "Okay, have a great night at work. I love you."

"Sounds great, we'll catch up later," and then the line was dead. I couldn't hold the tears back any longer and sat on the kitchen floor, becoming a sobbing mess. We were both busy but this was becoming too much. This was my birthday, and I was spending it alone.

That was the night I turned to Aaron. He was part of my clinical group and we usually carried a witty banter between the two of us that the others in the group never really understood. He had hinted at his interest in me before but I shrugged it off, knowing I would never give Justin up. Lately, he had been trying to get me to come out with him and some of our mutual friends in our rotation, but I stubbornly turned him down each time. I reached for my phone and typed up a group message.

Well guys, turns out I don't have any birthday plans and the sun isn't even down. Who wants to make some plans?

Instantly, my phone was flooded with apologetic messages and the group made plans to do a birthday pub crawl. I texted a few other of my friends outside of the clinical group, including my lifelong best friend, Lyndsey, who had also attended the university only 30 minutes from our hometown. As I got ready to go out, I saw a message outside of the group conversation fro m Aaron, telling me it was about time I made some more friends. I sent him one back, teasing him he should consider himself lucky I was allowing him to be in my presence other than wrapping ankles for the same football team. We chatted through the night and became closer as friends, agreeing to hang out every now and then. He understood my situation with Justin and encouraged me in different ways to work things out between us.

In the few months that followed, I spent more time with Aaron, enjoying the friendship, and possibly even the male attention I had at my disposal. Our conversations were easy, sarcastic, and we just clicked. Every now and then, our friendship would always border on flirtation. At times, I felt a slight pang of guilt and wondered if Justin would be hurt if he knew how close Aaron and I were. That guilt would soon be washed away as I was reminded that he knew about Aaron and had a close female friend at work. He and Ashley worked closely together and spent a fair amount of time at work in each others' presence. The few times we had her over for dinner, I thought she was nice but could see she had slightly more than a friendly interest in Justin. I never saw him reciprocate and he assured me that he would never let something like that happen, and I never thought much of her presence. We were both mature and secure in our relationship.

I snapped out of my thoughts as the river of headlights thinned into a few passing cars here and there. I pulled into the drive of Aaron's house and walked up the front steps, shivering from the bitter December air. The door swung open and Aaron greeted me with a warm bear hug that instantly warmed my body. Our clinical group had become very close over the semester and we were throwing a party to celebrate the end of the semester and clinicals. I had arrived late and everybody was well on their way, but I quickly caught up. The night quickly became a blur of loud music and laughter, ending in me staggering up the stairs toward Aaron's room.

The next morning, I woke up alone in Aaron's room, wearing nothing but the sheets. I rolled over to check the time and saw I had a single missed call from Justin. The fog started to clear as the realization hit. I shot out of bed and began gathering my clothes that were scattered around the room and hastily pulled them on. I smoothed my hair and wiped the smudged mascara from under my eyes before grabbing my phone and bolting down the stairs where I found everybody gathered in the kitchen and Aaron serving waffles. I avoided eye contact with him as he asked if I wanted breakfast and I declined. I could not get out of that house fast enough.

As I sped home, all I could think about was what I had done to Justin. There was no way I could repair the final crack I had put in our relationship. When I arrived home, I found no sign of Justin. It normally would have made my heart ache once again, but today I felt lucky. I began snatching my clothes off of their hangers and packing up everything I could fit in my car. I had already done enough to hurt Justin, so I would be the one to move out. I would finish my school year living back in my parents' house and figure my situation out from there. It would be a bit of a commute but I was prepared to handle it. As I stuffed the last item into my car, Justin came walking into the half empty house with a puzzled look on his face.

"What's going on," he asked curiously.

I couldn't tell him in complete detail what had happened, so I made up a pathetic excuse, "Justin, I love you more than I could ever possibly say, and this is going to hurt me just as much as it hurts you, but I'm moving out. You will always mean so much to me, but I don't think I can do this to you anymore. I'm committing so much time to school, beginning my career, and the Bucks, that its unfair to you. As much as I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I can't keep putting so much strain on you and our relationship while I'm out here trying to find my way. I love you, but we both need to find who we truly are," I said as the tears formed.

Justin fell to his knees with a look of hurt that will forever be burned in my memory.

I bolted up drenched in a cold sweat and wiped the tears that had formed in my sleep. I checked my phone for the time and saw that I had managed to sleep until 5 this time. These nightmares had plagued me since I had moved in and I couldn't shake off the events that had led me here. I laid back down and tried to fall back asleep, but the same events I had dreamt about swam around in my head. As much as I wished it all to be a bad dream, I knew I had no such luck. I had ruined my relationship with Justin and disguised this move as pursuing a career and graduate school, yet I knew I was just trying to run away from the past.

I laid in bed until 8 when I couldn't lay down anymore and decided to finish the rest of my unpacking. I continued until 4:00 and knowing it was Tuesday, waited another half hour for Lyndsey to get home from the school she taught at before calling her to confess the true story behind my split with Justin.

Author Update

Hi readers!

I just published Lila Eloise's first post, titled Deep Breathe. I'm currently writing up a few posts and my plan is to post once weekly. I'm tweaking the next post and you may or may not see it sometime in the next few days, I guess you'll just have to stay tuned!

If you liked the first post, let me know. If you didn't, also let me know! Feel free to bring up anything you would have liked to seen or a direction you want the story to go. I have a loose storyline but want the blog to be somewhat interactive. If you have any ideas for Lila Eloise, let me know and you might see them popping up in her story.

I hope you enjoy the first post and be sure to come back for more!

Deep Breath

I stretched my back and shook out the tension in my hands as I pulled up to the curb on Arlington Avenue before shutting off the engine of my rundown Cavalier. I had been driving for five hours to my new home and only stopped to finish my grad school enrollment at the University of Minnesota. As the hours passed, I became more and more nervous for what was in store. Taking a few deep breaths, I opened my door and approached the building that matched the number in my email where a middle-aged woman was standing on the front porch.

The woman smiled as I approached her, "Lila?"

I met her on the bottom step of the porch and stuck out my hand. "Lila Eloise. It's nice to finally meet you, Diane," I introduced myself, sliding in the subtle correction and a small smile as I spoke.

The struggle of having two first names was nothing new to me, but I held on to the same hope for twenty-three years that people who learned my name would assume I didn't just include my middle name when introducing myself. My parents both came from large, close-knit families and had wanted me to carry names from both families. The result was a combination of both grandmothers' names and a lifetime of awkwardly correcting everybody I met, including the property manager for my new house, who I realized had asked me a question and was now looking at me expectantly for an answer.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't catch what you said," I blushed. "I must be more exhausted than I thought."

Diane gave me a warm smile before answering, "Oh no worries dear. It sure is a long drive from Milwaukee. I'm sure coordinating graduate school registration and a big move in the same day can't be easy. Let's get you squared away so you can get some rest and take care of what you need to. I was just explaining to you that this house is in a good location but is lacking a few updates. The owner of this property has explained to us that he is comfortable with a tenant making updates and doing small remodels, as long as they do not require a permit from the city. If this is something you are interested in, we ask that you keep receipts for materials and any invoices. You may drop them at the office any time before your next month's rent is due, we will make copies and forward them to the owner, and you will get a receipt stating that amount is taken off your rent owed for that month."

I nodded my head as I followed along, thinking this wouldn't be too bad of a deal. Sure, the house looked a little shabby from the outside. It had a porch that wrapped around the front and one side of the house, with steps that led out to the back yard, a generous size for a home in the city. Some of the boards in the porch looked broken and the hand rails were missing in places. The outside needed a fresh coat of paint and one of the side windows had a crack. Some of the shingles looked old and needed to be replaced and the screen was ripped on the front door. 

As we toured the inside, I saw issues that didn't show up in the few pictures I was able to see before I requested to rent the place. The old hardwood was faded under scratched and the cabinets were fresh out of the seventies. The kitchen and living room were a very generous size but needed new paint and trim horribly. Diane showed me the half bathroom off of the laundry room, which seemed to be the only newly updated area in the whole house. We retraced through the living room, where I noticed a small sunroom with French doors leading out to the wrap-around porch. One of the bedrooms was very small and looked like it had belonged to a preteen girl, with purple carpet, pink walls, and a zebra stripe border running through the room. The closet lacked doors and I noticed the window that looked cracked from the outside belonged to this room.

Diane walked me past another bathroom that was missing the door and I was beginning to doubt myself when we stopped in front of the other bedroom. It was the largest room of the house and had a closet nearly the size of the other bedroom. I looked up and saw a row of three skylights and noticed another door in the room. When I opened it, I saw the most beautiful bathroom I had ever laid my eyes on. It had a shower stall with jets in the wall and an over-sized soaking tub that matched the floor tiles. The vanity was a makeup artist's dream and the quartz sink was spotless. Diane explained that the owner had redone the master suite when he bought the house but ran out of funds to continue the rest and decided to rent instead.

"Well, here it is. Some of it looks quite rough, but remember, you can fix it up as you desire," Diane reminded me as she turned to me. "Now, do you have your original lease agreement?"

I offered up my signed copy of the lease and Diane gave me the other copy I had faxed in the week before. "Here is your lease with all of the stipulations for this house. You'll notice in the pets clause that this owner will allow a maximum of two animals at his discretion and that will be an agreement that needs to be put in writing at our office. This packet includes our office address and contact numbers, as well as emergency maintenance numbers. Rent is due the first of every month and can be dropped off at the front desk, our drop box, or mailed in. If you mail rent, it must be post-marked by the 30th of the previous month. Late rent is charged $5 every day late for the first week and a $35 collection fee is added at the end of that week if it is not paid. Late rent is then charged $10 every day late the second week and you will be considered for eviction if it is not paid by the end of the second week. We know all sorts of things can happen, so if there are extenuating circumstances, please contact us as soon as you can and the office will work with you to come up with an exception and put it in writing. However, if you must do this, you may forfeit your security deposit," Diane ran me through the agreements as we walked back outside to the porch.

"And, the most important part," she produced three keys and a garage door opener and handed them to me, "one is for the garage door, on is for the front door here, and the third is for your sunroom doors. Feel free to make spares if you need, but please keep the receipt so our office knows how many keys are with the property." Diane smiled at me before shaking my hand again, "It's been a pleasure to meet you Lila Eloise. I hope you enjoy your new home and I would like to welcome you to the Twin Cities. If you need anything, I included my card in your welcome packet. Please don't hesitate to give me a call."

I thanked her and made my way back into the house where I sat up on the kitchen island and looked around. I had packed the Cav as full as I could with clothes and belongings, but the rest was under the care of movers who were scheduled to arrive tomorrow afternoon. It was Monday evening, and I would be starting my program in a little over two months, but I only had another week until I started my new job. As I sat looking at my empty house, I was suddenly overcome with emotion. I had graduated from Milwaukee a year ago as the man I thought I would marry watched me cross the stage. I was working on the athletic trainer staff at my former high school and dancing for a professional basketball team. I was close to my family and friends, and I had left that all behind. I had run away to a new city, five hours from my family and knowing nobody. As I got lost in my thoughts of running away from my problems, my phone angrily vibrated on the kitchen island next to me.

I glanced over and saw a new text from a familiar number. As much as I willed myself not to, I read it:

Lila Eloise! I didn't think you were really leaving Milwaukee last time we talked. Why would you do something like that? You had everything here. Your career, the Bucks, your family. ME????!?!? If you wanted to go to grad school, why didn't you do it here? I thought we were going to fix things.

I felt hot tears forming before throwing my phone toward the living area, effectively breaking off the back cover and sending the battery skidding. I hopped of the island and sighed. I wanted to believe I had done the right thing; my parents had given my nothing but encouragement, but here I was, alone in an empty house with nothing to look forward to. I began dragging my belonging in from my car before parking it in the garage and losing myself in a night of unpacking and two bottles of wine.

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Welcome!

Hello readers!
Welcome to Living Like Lila, where you will follow recent graduate Lila Eloise as she begins graduate school at the University of Minnesota. Hailing from a rural Milwaukee suburb and having recently ended a serious long term relationship, Lila Eloise is navigating her way through a new state, new friends, and new love interests. If you made your way here from Small Town, Big Time, I'm happy to see you again and can't wait for you to see this new story! I am working on a few posts to get the blog up and running, so check back through the week; I promise to have one up by next Sunday! I am hoping to get into a posting schedule of Friday afternoons or Saturday mornings, but I have to feel out how the writing goes first. Until I have a set day, plan to see at least one post a week.
See you all soon!