Darkest Dreams

I locked the door behind me as I walked into the garage and started up my car. I slowly backed it out of the driveway and watched the garage door closed and the house I shared with Justin stood empty with dark approaching; one of us leaving it for the night and one of us having not yet returned for the night. On my drive across town, I began to feel the weight of regret pushing down on me. Maybe I should have just stayed home and sat up alone according to my normal routine. Was I really going to this party to get away from my lonely nights or was that just a facade I was using, knowing that Aaron would be there? My mind wandered further down the rabbit hole as I thought of the last two months. 

Justin had been my high school sweetheart and we stuck together through most of my college career. We both came from the same small town outside of Milwaukee and Justin had made the move into the city to share a home with me and to spend every day by my side. He had supported me through my many career changes and every decision I had made. He pushed me further than I could have ever imagined pushing myself in my dance career and saw the potential I hadn't seen in myself. His encouragement and unwavering support had only increased when I made dancing for a professional basketball team my newest goal. I had spent the past two years balancing school and two different teams, while being blessed by having Justin's strong arms to catch me when I fell and keep pushing me forward. Here I was, only five short months from finishing my undergrad, with a job already lined up, my life partner hinting at proposing to me any day. I swore we had it all.

Our last couple of months had become increasingly rocky, but we agreed it was caused by the growing stress of finishing school. Justin began to resent my time devoted to my career. If I wasn't in one of my few classes left, I was putting in clinicals or putting extra time into my internship. Many nights were taken up by practices and performances. Although Justin reassured my that he understood this was what I needed to do to further myself and it would slow down after May, I could sense the growing tension it caused between us and did the best I could to better the situation. Justin only seemed to push back, taking on longer hours in his merchandising job to gain more accounts. When he began missing our date nights we had agreed to so we had time committed only to each other and my game nights, I brought it up. His only response was that it was what he needed to do to keep this roof over my head and food on the table, since I wasn't making much of a salary to contribute. 

"I need to make this extra money for the house you want and the ring you want," has played over and over again in my mind and pierced my heart, the guilt of  being too demanding on Justin only becoming heavier.

I began to question if we truly had the same plans for our future and became increasingly lonely as dinners would sit cold for hours and Justin would come home later and later, with hardly any acknowledgement. On a rainy September night, I knew our relationship was truly changing. It was my birthday and I had the day off from my internship and practices. Justin had promised to move all of the accounts to the days following to take the day off and spend it with me. I had tried to keep my mind off of my disappointment and pass the day shopping, excited to at least spend half of the day with Justin. I had just pulled back into the garage with some new wardrobe pieces and something special for tonight when I received a text from Justin.

I'm really sorry L, I tried to schedule everybody for different days but I can't make it work. I had a few more accounts come in and am behind. Going to have to stay really late tonight. I promise we will make up for it this weekend, have a surprise planned for you.

I tried to hold the tears back and put my new purchases away before I called Justin. When he answered on the last ring, he seemed distracted. 

"Justin you promised. I understand you having to go in today, but can't you make something work for tonight?" I tried my best not to whine and to be patient.

"I told you I'm sorry. I really am. I already have a surprise in mind for you to make it up and I'll make sure I have a day off this weekend or something."

I fought to hold back the rage I felt building and tried pleading once more, "You work so hard, just take this night off. The accounts will still be there. Please. I have wanted to spend this night with you more than anything and we need this time. I feel like the only time we have together is when we share the same bed at night."

I heard a heavy sigh on the other end of the phone and knew what was coming, "I have to work this hard to provide for you. What about when I want time together and you have to run off to some practice or performance or something comes up at the clinic," he paused for a moment, "I'm really sorry and want to be there with you. I... I uh... I really need to get going to finish up."

Once again, I felt like I had brought this on myself. "Okay, have a great night at work. I love you."

"Sounds great, we'll catch up later," and then the line was dead. I couldn't hold the tears back any longer and sat on the kitchen floor, becoming a sobbing mess. We were both busy but this was becoming too much. This was my birthday, and I was spending it alone.

That was the night I turned to Aaron. He was part of my clinical group and we usually carried a witty banter between the two of us that the others in the group never really understood. He had hinted at his interest in me before but I shrugged it off, knowing I would never give Justin up. Lately, he had been trying to get me to come out with him and some of our mutual friends in our rotation, but I stubbornly turned him down each time. I reached for my phone and typed up a group message.

Well guys, turns out I don't have any birthday plans and the sun isn't even down. Who wants to make some plans?

Instantly, my phone was flooded with apologetic messages and the group made plans to do a birthday pub crawl. I texted a few other of my friends outside of the clinical group, including my lifelong best friend, Lyndsey, who had also attended the university only 30 minutes from our hometown. As I got ready to go out, I saw a message outside of the group conversation fro m Aaron, telling me it was about time I made some more friends. I sent him one back, teasing him he should consider himself lucky I was allowing him to be in my presence other than wrapping ankles for the same football team. We chatted through the night and became closer as friends, agreeing to hang out every now and then. He understood my situation with Justin and encouraged me in different ways to work things out between us.

In the few months that followed, I spent more time with Aaron, enjoying the friendship, and possibly even the male attention I had at my disposal. Our conversations were easy, sarcastic, and we just clicked. Every now and then, our friendship would always border on flirtation. At times, I felt a slight pang of guilt and wondered if Justin would be hurt if he knew how close Aaron and I were. That guilt would soon be washed away as I was reminded that he knew about Aaron and had a close female friend at work. He and Ashley worked closely together and spent a fair amount of time at work in each others' presence. The few times we had her over for dinner, I thought she was nice but could see she had slightly more than a friendly interest in Justin. I never saw him reciprocate and he assured me that he would never let something like that happen, and I never thought much of her presence. We were both mature and secure in our relationship.

I snapped out of my thoughts as the river of headlights thinned into a few passing cars here and there. I pulled into the drive of Aaron's house and walked up the front steps, shivering from the bitter December air. The door swung open and Aaron greeted me with a warm bear hug that instantly warmed my body. Our clinical group had become very close over the semester and we were throwing a party to celebrate the end of the semester and clinicals. I had arrived late and everybody was well on their way, but I quickly caught up. The night quickly became a blur of loud music and laughter, ending in me staggering up the stairs toward Aaron's room.

The next morning, I woke up alone in Aaron's room, wearing nothing but the sheets. I rolled over to check the time and saw I had a single missed call from Justin. The fog started to clear as the realization hit. I shot out of bed and began gathering my clothes that were scattered around the room and hastily pulled them on. I smoothed my hair and wiped the smudged mascara from under my eyes before grabbing my phone and bolting down the stairs where I found everybody gathered in the kitchen and Aaron serving waffles. I avoided eye contact with him as he asked if I wanted breakfast and I declined. I could not get out of that house fast enough.

As I sped home, all I could think about was what I had done to Justin. There was no way I could repair the final crack I had put in our relationship. When I arrived home, I found no sign of Justin. It normally would have made my heart ache once again, but today I felt lucky. I began snatching my clothes off of their hangers and packing up everything I could fit in my car. I had already done enough to hurt Justin, so I would be the one to move out. I would finish my school year living back in my parents' house and figure my situation out from there. It would be a bit of a commute but I was prepared to handle it. As I stuffed the last item into my car, Justin came walking into the half empty house with a puzzled look on his face.

"What's going on," he asked curiously.

I couldn't tell him in complete detail what had happened, so I made up a pathetic excuse, "Justin, I love you more than I could ever possibly say, and this is going to hurt me just as much as it hurts you, but I'm moving out. You will always mean so much to me, but I don't think I can do this to you anymore. I'm committing so much time to school, beginning my career, and the Bucks, that its unfair to you. As much as I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I can't keep putting so much strain on you and our relationship while I'm out here trying to find my way. I love you, but we both need to find who we truly are," I said as the tears formed.

Justin fell to his knees with a look of hurt that will forever be burned in my memory.

I bolted up drenched in a cold sweat and wiped the tears that had formed in my sleep. I checked my phone for the time and saw that I had managed to sleep until 5 this time. These nightmares had plagued me since I had moved in and I couldn't shake off the events that had led me here. I laid back down and tried to fall back asleep, but the same events I had dreamt about swam around in my head. As much as I wished it all to be a bad dream, I knew I had no such luck. I had ruined my relationship with Justin and disguised this move as pursuing a career and graduate school, yet I knew I was just trying to run away from the past.

I laid in bed until 8 when I couldn't lay down anymore and decided to finish the rest of my unpacking. I continued until 4:00 and knowing it was Tuesday, waited another half hour for Lyndsey to get home from the school she taught at before calling her to confess the true story behind my split with Justin.