You Need to Know

After the abrupt end to my relationship with Justin, I moved back to my parents' house where I finished the rest of school. The lease on the house Justin and I had shared was set to expire in January. When we were building our dream, we had decided to resign the lease for another year together. Rather than attempt to find another place, I commuted from my hometown to school, which was quite convenient with only one class a week and my internship and dance obligations. After a week of processing this loss, I reached out to Justin in an attempt to repair what had been broken. While I couldn't bring myself to explain what had really happened, I held onto a thin shard of optimism that maybe we could return to what we had, and leave the last few weeks behind. I had even cut off all contact with Aaron after leaving his house that morning, and went as far as blocking his number. I wanted to forget him and what he did to destroy my relationship in the worst way.

I quickly lost that optimism when Justin and I met at a coffee shop near our old house and he made it clear that he no longer wanted anything to do with me. We had hardly sat down and Justin informed me there was no chance of fixing anything after leaving him when all he does is work hard for me. While this was not at all what I  wanted to hear, I knew better than to fight it. Instead, I tried to keep it civilized and address the big priority: figuring out the lease and setting up a time to come back and get my larger items. While I wanted to stop by with my dad and his truck to gather my belongings and leave the key behind, Justin insisted he did not trust us alone there. This came as a surprise to me; I would never do anything other than grab what belonged to me, and Justin had always loved my dad. Wanting to just get it over with and not feel any more pain, I agreed to a time and day that worked for Justin to be there and we went our separate ways.

Three days before Christmas, the day we had agreed on for me to come back for my furniture and the rest of my belongings, my dad and I drove into the city with him trying to keep me positive the whole ride. He didn't even know the reason behind my split with Justin; nobody did. All he knew was what I had told him in the few months leading up to our split when we would spend time together just talking. I couldn't tell him the horrible person I had become, because I couldn't even stand what I had done. When we arrived, Justin wasn't there but there was another car in the garage. When my phone call went straight to voicemail, my dad made the decision to let ourselves in rather than wait for Justin to show up. 

We had gathered almost everything and were moving the couch and living room set my parents had bought me when the door opened and Justin walked in, Ashley trailing  behind him. He took one look around before shouting, "What the hell do you think you are doing?", to which I replied we had waited nearly 45 minutes after the time set by Justin and he still wasn't around. He defensively said Ashley's car was having issues and he had to take her to finish her Christmas shopping. Something didn't seem right but I didn't want to push the issue any further. While Ashley and Justin watched, my dad and I loaded up the last of the furniture and I left my key, letting Justin know I would stop by the leasing office to take my name off the new lease. After a quick stop at the leasing office to remove my name from the new lease in January and getting my deposit back, we were back home with my furniture all moved into my parents' basement. 

While I was home and surrounded by family who thankfully didn't push for details on my failed relationship, I couldn't quite get myself into the festivities of the holidays and spent most of my time sitting alone and nursing a drink. This was the first Christmas I had spent alone in years, and felt lost without the feeling of sharing gifts with somebody special. 

The holidays passed and the loneliness continued into my final semester. While leaving campus after taking care of arrangements for graduation in the spring, I ran into Aaron for the first time after the night at his house. He had heard about Justin and I and asked how I was holding up. When I tried to convince him I was holding up alright, he gave me look telling me he could see right through my act. I was surprised when he told me I was better off, and the only one that couldn't see how Justin had been treating me. Before letting me go, he asked to get together and hang out sometime. It might have been the loneliness or the subtle flirtation that had existed between us, but I agreed.

After running into each other that day, Aaron and I easily fell into our old friendship, but the chemistry had intensified greatly. I had forgotten what it felt like to have somebody interested in me, and began to enjoy Aaron's attention. By March, we were regularly spending time together, with me spending 3 or 4 nights a week at his house. Our relationship was carefree and so easy. We had just made the relationship official when Justin began finding his way back in my life claiming he wanted to try to work on us again. He was easy to ignore at first, but began trying to cause more and more problems for Aaron and I. 

Just before graduation, Aaron told me he valued our friendship and me as a person, but could not be in a relationship where the past couldn't stay in the past. I was so scared of being alone that losing this relationship that had hardly been a relationship devastated me. 

Before going our separate ways, Aaron brought up that December night, "I always assumed you knew what happened that night, but if you don't remember, I wanted to promise you nothing happened. You were extremely drunk and I tried to get you to go to bed instead of driving back to your house. You wandered up to my room and began ranting about everything that was going on with Justin before taking off all of your clothes and claiming my bed. I knew your relationship was going through a tough time, but I wouldn't have been able to do something like that. I slept downstairs that night. One of the girls from the group called Justin to let him know but he didn't answer. We never talked about it and I didn't want to bring it up and you freeze me out. You deserve to know."

Aaron's confession both relieved and shocked me. I ended my relationship with Justin for nothing but I could move on knowing I did not act how I had thought I did. I could have had another chance with Justin, but I knew things were beyond repair and we had both changed. I also had an upcoming move to handle. In the time since I left Justin, I began looking at graduate programs and jobs, ready to truly leave the hurt behind me. I had committed to this move to Minnesota and had landed a job at a large clinic as an athletic trainer. I had been excited for the new start, but felt the pain of leaving family and close friends behind, leaving my dance career, and finally cutting the ties that held me to the past five years. 

Lyndsey was my best friend, but I had cut nearly everybody out, including her, and only spent small amounts of time with her without giving her too much detail surrounding my relationship. Having her on the phone now and confessing my last six months to her felt so relieving.

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell what was going on as it was happening. You always have my back and I should have known I would need your support," my voice shook as I finished filling Lyndsey in.

"Ellie," Lyndsey began, using the nickname she had given me back in high school she made up from the initials of my first names, "I'm glad Aaron was honest with what really happened but he should have told you way before he did. I don't care if he was worried about your reaction. Even if you had done what you thought you did, I would be here for you. It's not right and I don't agree, but I understand where it would have been coming from."

I couldn't have been more grateful for the support Lyndsey was giving me and I missed my best friend more than ever.

"Thank you so much Lyndsey. I felt so guilty for so long. After it happened, I tried to rebuild the relationship with Justin but he wanted nothing to do with me and of course I didn't tell him the truth. I wish I had known this before leaving. Maybe we would have another chance. Sometimes I wish I didn't commit to moving here so we could have fixed it when he did come around. Anyway," I continued, my mood brightening, "I'm so glad I got to talk to you, Lynds. I miss you so much. I forgot how easy it is to tell you everything."

Lyndsey was quiet for a minute before saying, "I missed you too, Lila Eloise. Don't regret that your relationship with Justin ended and you didn't get to give it another chance. There's actually something you need to know."