Confessional

"There's actually something you need to know."

The serious tone that had crept into Lyndsey's voice after I mentioned losing another chance with Justin left me feeling suspicious and my mind began to wander. Because of our close friendship, she was around Justin a lot and the got along well. She had always liked him until the last few months of our relationship when she told me something didn't seem right, and she didn't maintain a friendship with him after that. Had she talked to him recently? Did she know something I didn't about our relationship?

Lyndsey pulled me out of my thoughts by saying, "It's about Justin."

My heart sank as I realized it couldn't be good news. Did I even want to know? Much of my move was inspired by trying to leave Justin and the bad memories in the past. Was what Lyndsey wanted to tell me going to pull me back into that past? Curiosity got the best of me and I asked Lyndsey what she meant.

"I don't want to tell you to upset you, but you're my best friend and I want you to know the truth," she paused and took a breath and continued, "about your relationship with Justin."

At this, my stomach dropped even further knowing I was about to hear something that would break my heart. I barely managed to squeak out an answer to Lyndsey to tell me.

"One of the aides I work with is friends with Ashley and she was chatting with me the other day at in-service. She said something about helping move one of her friends into her new house. We are both the newest faculty so we bonded a little bit and I try to get to know her and have conversation with her. I didn't really think anything of it so of course I asked her a little more about where her friend was moving and how long they had been together. So, she starts describing the neighborhood and it really sounds like the place you lived with Justin... then she describes the house. It's your old place," she stopped to let me process.

I had an idea where she was going with this but I kept the denial strong and chimed in, "Maybe he's moved since then?"

Lyndsey sighed and continued, "No Lila. Because then she told me his name was Justin," another pause and a deep breath, "Then she said she first met this guy when her friend Ashley began bringing him around their friend group in early September, and her friend started talking about him in August. She said she really thinks this is the guy for Ashley and he does so much for her. I guess he did a lot of putting off work and leaving early to spend time with her and make it to their friend group functions. Apparently this was a huge sacrifice for him because as she told me, this guy was working to make up the money he spent supporting his ex-girlfriend who demanded everything but refused to contribute financially and often disappeared on him for days at a time. Lila, the reason Justin was MIA so much those last few months is Ashley."

I felt my head spinning as I tried to put together what Lyndsey had told me. I had been around Ashley. She knew I was Justin's girlfriend and that we lived together and I knew that she was Justin's friend from work. How did I miss this? Had she known what she was doing or did Justin tell her something else? I spent so many months questioning how I let our relationship fail and what I was doing wrong. Could I have prevented this by spending more time with Justin and less time pursuing my career?

Before I knew it, the thoughts began to pour out in a landslide as I begged Lyndsey for some answers. When she tenderly answered, "I'm so sorry. I wish I was there with you to make this easier for you." I couldn't hold back the tears and we spent the next few minutes with Lyndsey giving me words of comfort in between my sobs.

When I finally gathered myself again, I raked Lyndsey over the coals for more answers. "Did you say anything to her?"

"I didn't know what to say, so I just kind of changed the subject. If she brings up Ashley and Justin again, do you want me to say something to her?"

I considered this for a minute. Is this something I wanted to get involved in or leave miles away from me?

"Maybe hold off on saying anything. I just... Lynds, I don't understand how it happened and the story Ashley's friend told you. And how didn't I think anything of her being over or Justin talking about her at work? How could I let this happen?"

"Lila Eloise. I want you to listen to me right now," Lyndsey started sternly, "You are gorgeous and intelligent and driven. You have such a big heart and are already so successful. You're so talented and there is nothing wrong with you that would warrant being treated like that. I think Ashley knew what was going on. I think both her and Justin are making up a story and spreading the lie to make themselves look better. I mean, who is going to admit they were destroying another relationship? Justin looking like the poor, abandoned victim and Ashley looking like the blessing that comes in and fixed his life is the perfect way to cover up the truth behind their relationship. I know this is so fucked up, but please PLEASE don't beat yourself up over this. It's been almost a year and you're off on a great new start for yourself. There's no way you could have seen it and that's not something you should have to question when you have been together as long and you and Justin were. He's not worth any worrying from you. I promise if I hear this making its way around, I'll squash it."

I let a small smile slip as I thanked Lyndsey for breaking the news to me and having my back. We chatted a little more before hanging up. I let out a long stream of air as I mentally recapped what I had just learned. For those last few months we were together, when it seemed like Justin was slipping away because of work while he was actually falling into Ashley. All of those cancellations should have been a red flag but he let me believe trying to provide for us was taking so much of his time. For so much of that time, he let me believe I was hurting our relationship as a way to justify his behavior. And now, they've been together for almost a year and Ashley was moving into my old house. With Justin. I was still in shock that this was the truth behind the end of my relationship with Justin when I picked up my phone and began typing:

I made this move for me. I figured after spending so much time trying to be everything you wanted, it was time to really be what I wanted. Especially when it turns out you wanted something else. It would be slightly difficult to fix us and give us another chance when you're in a relationship, wouldn't it?

I aggressively jabbed at the send button and got up to continue working on the maze of boxed occupying my living room. I had powered through three boxes when my phone vibrated on the island and I checked it to find the response:

 Still only focused on yourself I see. You know I wouldn't be with Ashley if you had come to your senses and put in the effort to fix what YOU destroyed. She meant nothing to me, did you expect me to stand by while you hopped under the sheets with Aaron. It's not my fault she was a good rebound and it worked out to keep her around. I'd still be willing to give you a chance if you grew up and stopped chasing those silly dreams you think you're going to accomplish.

I reread the response once, twice, three times more before fighting back another round of tears and making a couple of screenshots. To reduce the pain I would be facing, I blocked Justin's number before deleting all conversations between us. I set my phone back on the island before sliding down to the floor and giving in to the first of many more rounds of body-shaking sobs.