Update

Hi readers!

Thank you to those eof you who have stuck around and waited for my next post. I truly appreciate that I am still getting views on my posts and that you haven't forgotten me entirely. After some soul searching, I realized my slump is due to my job and I'm in the process of job hunting and a possible career change (eek!) In the midst of that, I'm going to do everything I can to be getting posts up at least weekly or biweekly.
So, from the feedback I received, I'm going to do a little bumping ahead with the story to eventually bring it to present time. I didn't originally wanted to do that this early on in the story, but I think it will make more sense in the long-run.
I am currently working on abother post and hope to have it up soon. I want to thank you again for being so patient with me and checking back to see when I post again. The fact that my posts are being read is truly what is keeping me going in not just giving up on this blog. Thank you for being you, and we'll hear from Lila soon!

Ask Alexa

I woke up nearly an hour before my alarm and tried, but failed, to find sleep for another half hour. Knowing I had no chance at any more sleep, I hopped out of bed and padded out to my kitchen. I popped a bagel in the toaster and scrolled through Instagram as I waited for my Keurig to fill my mug. I stopped amid the normal feed of #ootd and party pictures to see what looked like an engagement ring.


I grabbed my bagel and coffee and sat down at my island and looked closer at what made this picture stop me. It was posted by Justin, of course, with the caption, 

"A beautiful ring to show the beautiful promise to honor a beautiful woman. #mylove #promise".

What shocked me even more was that it appeared to be the same promise ring he had given me. When we were in high school. I rolled my eyes and grabbed a screenshot  as I finished the last bite of my bagel.

Am I the only one that thinks promise rings are for high school kids that think they're in love?

I typed under the picture and hit send. I had hardly set my phone down when it vibrated with an answer from Lyndsey.

That's the same one he gave you! That's so tacky! Plus they're way too old to be doing promise rings. Like wtf?

I laughed and told her that was why I loved her.

I set my phone down and headed to my bathroom to get ready for the day. Justin and I hadn't even broken up a year ago and he was already giving Ashley a promise ring, my old ring nonetheless. I couldn't believe the way things were going. Not wanting to have a negative start to the first day of my new job, I pushed the thoughts from my mind and focused on preparing myself. An hour later, I was on the way to the clinic. I found a parking spot  and walked through the employee entrance 15 minutes early.


As I approached the front desk I was instructed to when I accepted my job offer, a man I guessed to be near 30 looked up and smiled at me. That smile made something stir deep inside of me and I struggled to keep my cool as I approached him. He had dark brown hair with the deepest green eyes I had ever seen, and just enough facial hair to make any woman swoon. When he stood to greet me, he towered over me by much more than a foot and his toned upper body filled his Polo quite nicely.


"Hi, I'm Gregg, I'm one of the full-time trainers and the clinical coordinator. I'll be helping you through this week and you'll report to me for the most part after that."


I shook his outstretched hand with a firm handshake and smiled as he continued, "The clinic isn’t going to give you your own office for a while. Even though you’re employed here, they want to wait until you at least finish your clinicals. For the time being, you’ll have to share an office with me,” he flashed another perfect grin.


“If you’ll follow me I can show you your new office and walk you through the process this week.”


I followed him past the front desk and down a hallway, where Gregg stepped aside and gestured for me to enter a spacious room.


“It’s not much,” he winked, “but this is the office space you and I will share. I moved a desk in here for you and had IT set up a computer for you, but if you want more furniture or want to move stuff around just let me know,” he grinned at me.


“You’ll find yourself spending nearly the entire day in here sometimes and other times you’ll hardly see your desk. It’s always something different here, and that’s what makes this job so exciting.”


I sat down at the desk that was to be mine and surveyed the room. Gregg had put my desk in front of a large window, across the room from his. There were a couple of filing cabinets on the wall farthest from the door between our desks and a large whiteboard above each of our desks. While mine was bare except for a computer, Gregg’s desk was filled with calendars and notes, as well as pictures of friends and family, and one with a strikingly gorgeous raven-haired woman in his arms in front of a lake. I had a few more moments to take in my surroundings before Gregg was explaining company policies to me and walking me through my first week.


By the end of the week, I was so exhausted I could hardly think straight. My head was swimming with policies, procedures, names, faces, everything. While Gregg and everyone had been undoubtedly helpful through my orientation process, I would be referencing all of my materials and taking a long time to remember the locations of all the schools we served.


I would be primarily working as Gregg’s assistant at least through the completion of my clinical hours but I would be branching out and doing a few things on my own. After that, who knew what was next for me.


I laid on my couch and scrolled through delivery options on Yelp, searching for something that I didn’t have to leave the house for. I settled on a Mexican place and called in my order. While I waited, I made myself a short grocery list and promised myself to go shopping the next day so I could stop eating out of to-go containers and have some real food. I had spent most of the day meeting with a contractor which was going to finish up most of the work on my house.


The day had raced by with picking out fixtures, flooring colors, and all the other odds and ends. Maybe finishing up this house would make it feel more like my new home and make this feel more like my new life. I spent the rest of the night as a couch potato, only getting up to grab my delivery from the door and to go to bed.


The next day, I woke up feeling energized and went for a quick run before showering and heading to the store. I had a short list, but by the time I had made it almost around the store my cart was full. I was browsing the produce section when I noticed a familiar-looking blonde watching me. I brushed it off, who isn’t guilty of people watching in the grocery store? I kept browsing the avocados and noticed she was still watching me.


I looked up and gave an awkward half smile as she approached me, “I’m so sorry for looking like I’m stalking you. You looked really familiar and I couldn’t place it at first, did you just start at the clinic under Gregg?”

So that’s why she looked so familiar. I must have been introduced to her in my first week. “I must have met you at some point but I don’t really remember your name,” I answered sheepishly.


“Oh don’t worry. That first week is so overwhelming. When I was the new guy, I called my boss the wrong name for two weeks until he finally corrected me,” we both laughed, “I’m Alexa, the patient coordinator at the clinic. You new here?”


I smiled at her, appreciative of her friendliness, “I moved here a couple weeks ago from the Milwaukee area for grad school, which I start in a few months. So, yeah,” I finished, feeling my anxiety kick in and finding myself unable to make conversation. Why did I have to struggle so hard with meeting new people?


“I know what it’s like. I moved here from Washington a year ago and felt like it was so hard to make friends and meet new people that I had something in common with. Here, why don’t you give me your number, and maybe later today we could grab something to eat and a few drinks?”


I took the phone Alexa offered and entered my number as I smiled at her graciously, “This actually means a lot,” I handed her phone back to her.


“I will text you in a few hours and we can make some plans, yeah? I’ll let you get going!” She happily waved to me and I walked toward the checkout, excited at the possibility of making a friend here, even if she was from work.


A few hours later, I heard my phone vibrate on my counter,

Hey it's Alexa! If you're not up to anything, text me your address and I'll swing by to pick you up!

I sent Alexa my address and went to change before she picked me up. 15 minutes later, I heard a knock at the door and let her in.


“Wow, this is pretty nice,” Alexa said as she looked around.


“It’s ok, there’s a few improvements but the landlord is letting me make whatever changes I want, I just have to send him the bill.”


“That’s really cool!” Alexa said enthusiastically as I led her around my place.


I smiled, genuinely liking how easy it was to get along with her, 

“I’m not going to extravagant with anything  I just hoping being able to put my touch on it will make it feel more like my new home,” I paused, missing my home, “in a way, I love home improvements. They remind me of growing up with my dad. He builds houses for a living,” I clarified in response to Alexis curious glance. Just talking about my dad made me yearn for him and home even more.


Alexa must have picked up on my shift in moods, because she joined me on my side of the island and gave me a genuine smile, “Hey girl, I know how tough it is to move  a good distance away from everybody and to be on your own.  It takes a while, but it gets better. Lucky for you, I’m here to help,” She nudged me and I gave her a small smile.

“It will get easier, I promise. Now, how about we eat our weight in half-price apps!”

I agreed, again grateful for Alexa and how much we had in common.

We chatted on the short drive to Applebee’s and Alexa pulled into a parking space near the door. As we were seated, we both ordered margaritas right away and perused the menu. After the winter came back with our drinks and put in our order, Alexa began filling me in on the important details of the clinic that I didn’t get from my orientation.


“And always bring a change of clothes on payday Fridays. There’s a group of us that gets together for drinks after work and some of them demand we go right away. Also, Gregg can seem pretty flirtatious at times, but he doesn’t mean anything by it. He has a girlfriend he’s been with for 5 years, he just has a really friendly personality.”

I made a note to not let myself fall for any of Gregg’s flirting and asked Alexa a little more about herself.

On the way back to my house, the conversation somehow made its way back to me. I gave Alexa the details on my relationship with Justin and everything I’d put together recently.

“And now I’m pretty sure my dad is now dating this girl’s mom. So there’s that,” I shrugged as we pulled up to my house.

“Girl, didn’t you say you’re from the Milwaukee area? How small of a world can it be?” Alexa questioned.

“Pretty fucking small, apparently,” I laughed.

“That’s pretty shitty, seriously. But you’re doing something new with your life. My advice would be to get under someone else to get over him,” we both giggled at this, “but truthfully, stay focused on what you’re building for yourself here and don’t let him come back into your life.”

I thanked Alexa for the ride, grateful for the friendship we were forming and she pulled off as I opened my front door.

I'm in a slump.

Hey readers, I'm sorry for the lack of posts. I'm in a weird slump in my personal life. I can't find any inspiration and have no drive to do anything. I'm working on the same post I have been for a month. I hope to kick whatever this funk is and get posts back up soon, but I can't make promises or give a time line. Thank you to the readers that are still checking in and I'm so, so sorry to those of you that feel lied to. I'll be back soon, hopefully.

Also, when I come back, would you as readers prefer to keep the story going and have it not match up with realtime, or would you like me to try to fast forward to catch up to real time?

Relieved

I sat, frozen by the words that had come out of my dad's mouth. Even though we lived in a small Milwaukee suburb, it was still a large area and the chance that he had started dating Ashley's mom should have been impossible. I tried to calm down by reminding myself that Ashley is a very common name and I shouldn't jump to any conclusions. Maybe it was just my recent discovery that tricked my mind into making that connection. I would have had myself convinced but the Ashley I knew also had a mother named Roxanne.

"Are you still there?" I heard my dad cut through the phone.

"Yeah...yes I'm still here. Dad, can you call me back when you're alone There was something I wanted to talk to you about."

"Sure honey, is everything ok?" I could hear the concern in his voice; he had always been a protective papa bear, especially with his only daughter. "Roxanne is going to dinner with her daughter and her boyfriend in a half hour. I can call you back then if you would like."

My assumption about my dad's new friend only grew worse hearing this. "Sure, I'll leave the volume on my phone up. I love you."

"Love you more," my dad responded before we hung up.

For the next 30 minutes, I let myself be consumed by what ifs. What if my dad and Roxanne got serious? Would that mean I would be seeing Ashley and Justin at holidays? Would he still be a regular around my family? If that was the case, I would not be going home for the holidays. Would my dad even believe me? Would she replace me as his daughter because she was still back home? There was no way I would be able to face the constant reminder of how I really lost Justin.

After what seemed like a millennium, but was really only 30 minutes on the dot, my dad called me back. I answered on the first ring, “Hi Dad.”

I barely got the words out of my mouth before he began ambushing me with questions, “Are you alright? What’s going on? Did something happen? Do you need me to come up to Minneapolis? What couldn’t you tell me?”

I took a deep breathe to keep myself together and began explaining, “I’m fine Dad. Well, mostly. Nothing has happened to me here and I don’t need you to bother yourself with making a trip up here before I’ve even gotten started. I just wanted to talk to you about me and Justin. I know I really closed myself off to everybody when that was going on and I never even really told you what was happening. To make it worse, I talked to Lyndsey the weekend I moved in and learned some things I didn’t even know. Please just let me get through the story and hear me out first.”

For the next twenty minutes, I recounted the details about how Justin and I started going downhill, how I thought I was getting involved with Aaron, how I broke it off, and finally how I found out from Lyndsey what had really happened. I tried to keep myself calm as I got to the part where I learned who the other woman was and I explained to my dad that he was now getting involved with her mother. I wrapped up everything I wanted to get out and waited for my dad to process.

After a solid pause, I heard him let a long, slow breathe out and slowly begin to answer, “Honey, I had no idea. I’m a little bit hurt that you kept me out of that much going on in your life. I know it was a really difficult time for you and I know that’s sometimes how you process your hardships, but I would have, and always will stand behind you no matter what. You know I love you unconditionally and would never stand against you and your decisions, especially if you are hurting. I wish I would have known so that I could support you, and maybe I wouldn’t have been so shocked when you did leave Justin. I don’t care if other people think you did the wrong thing by leaving him, your happiness should come above everything. I just wish I had known and maybe I would have seen it happening and been able to convince you.”

I felt myself begin to relax and remembered how good it felt to have my dad’s support.

“I’m glad I know what really happened and want you to know that anybody cheating on you is not your fault. You are an incredibly talented young woman. You are absolutely beautiful and your passion and drive to do anything you set your mind to is something that any man should seek out in a woman. You have the best heart and so much love to give. I don’t just say this because you’re my daughter and inherited my best traits”, we both laughed, “but because it is true and don’t you dare let anyone make you feel it isn’t. None of that is your fault baby girl. However, I know you, and I know how you get an idea and run with it. I think you are convincing yourself that there is a connection between my new friend and the end of your relationship. I understand it’s quite a coincidence to have that combination of names, but remember how big of an area and how many Ashleys you know. Please try to get that idea out of your head. I don’t see it being true and I don’t want you to worry yourself.”

I tried to protest and convince him that it was true but he cut me off, “Roxanne and I are not serious by any means and are trying to take things slow. I have not met her kids yet and I won’t be introducing her to you and your brother for a while. If things do become serious, I want you to meet her before we move forward any more. You know your opinion matters to me, and I want to be with somebody you get along with and you think is good for me. I am very sure it’s not the same woman, Lila Eloise, but if I find out it is when I meet her kids, I’m not too proud to tell you you’re right.”

I tried to relax a little more after my dad’s reassurance, but I couldn’t quite shake the feeling I had. He was probably right that I had taken the thought and ran with it, and I just needed a few days to settle down and let it go. I thank him for listening to me and felt so relieved that he knew what had been going on. We chatted a little more about my move and my new house, and how I was looking forward to my new jobs and my classes. Before I knew it, an hour had quickly passed. We started to wrap up our conversation and said our goodbyes.

“Lila Eloise, thank you for calling me. I was missing you already and I am so happy you let me back in and told me about Justin. Remember you are so much better and don’t let anything stop you from moving on and being your best, happiest self. Don’t you hesitate to call me and talk about it more if you’re still hurting. I’m always your biggest fan! Stay out of trouble and don’t forget about us back home!”

I laughed at his less than subtle hint to stay in touch, “I won’t forget about you Daddy. Thank you for listening to me and letting me tell you what I hadn’t been. Keep Kyler out of trouble for me! Remember, if he’s trying to bring a girl home, you let me know. I can’t let just anybody around him.”

We both laughed at my protectiveness of my brother. He may have stood well over a foot taller than me, but he was still my baby brother and now that he was coming into the dating age, I was not about to back off. We said goodbye to each other and I put my phone down and felt much lighter. I was more than happy that my dad listened to my story and stood behind me. The only thing that kept weighing me down was the nagging feeling I had about his new love interest. I tried to shrug it off, reminding myself that my dad was right and it was probably coincidence. Besides, I had to focus on getting ready for my first day at work the next day.

I flipped on my stereo system and put some music on and walked through my bedroom to my glorious closet, where I had set up two sides with clothes and shoes and placed an oversized, full length mirror in the middle against the back wall. I began looking for an outfit for my first day at the clinic. Luckily for me, my master’s program partnered with the clinic I would be working at, so my job could actually count for clinical hours within my program. Most students just shadowed, but I was able to get a full time job that would work around classes two afternoons a week. I would be working as an assistant trainer to high school and college athletes that used the clinic’s sport medicine program as their primary athletic training. My first week was to be mostly training and individual meetings, so I was to dress business casual. The general dress code for my department was fairly casual, and I was told jeans and comfortable shoes were standard.

After emptying half of my closet, I found the perfect outfit for my first day and laid it out before putting the discarded articles back in their original place. I knew I wouldn’t sleep much that night, as I never do when I’m excited so I got ready for bed and settled in even though it was only 7:30.

Phone Home

Hi readers! I'm sorry I went MIA for nearly two months without explanation. I don't really have an excuse other than I started slacking on writing and before I knew it, I had lost where I was going with the story. I rewrote, deleted, and rewrote some more to get this post up and couldn't really come up with something I liked. I finally got this post out, and it's still not my favorite work. I hope you enjoy the new post if you're still following and I will have a new one up much sooner than I got this one up. Also, I am posting this from my phone, so if the formatting looks funny please let me know!

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I spent the rest of the week moving through a thick fog. I finished my unpacking and sought out retail therapy in an attempt to distract myself. Maybe a new collection of clothes for work and a few new pairs of shoes could lift my mood the way spending ludicrous amounts of money on material things usually did.

While I returned home with a full vehicle of items to unpack, I still felt separated from myself the whole day. It was as if my body was shopping and unpacking, carrying on without me, but my mind stayed back, hooked on my last conversation with Justin and the news that Lyndsey broke to me. I had kept very quiet about our issues and taken the fall for our end, not knowing what had happened between Aaron and I, and wanting to protect Justin. None of my family knew the real reason behind it and some questioned me about my choice. Many of them loved Justin and were shocked, even disappointed when we broke up. Lyndsey was the only one of my friends that knew the truth, making me feel I had nowhere else to turn with this news.

I couldn't help blaming myself for Justin cheating on me. Maybe if I had focused more on him and less on my success, he wouldn't have turned to someone else for his needs. Maybe he thought there was something going on with Aaron and this was his way of coping. I couldn't believe how long he had carried this on for and how he was able to turn it on me and make me blame myself.

By the end of the week, I felt so trapped inside my head and sick of my thoughts running in the same circles, I called my dad for a long heart-to-heart. I loved Lyndsey to death, but my dad was truly my best friend and we had always been very close. We became much closer after my mom passed away shortly after my little brother Kyler, turned 1.

She began struggling with alcoholism when I was 4, and was recovering for some time before relapsing shortly before my parents found out she was pregnant with Kyler when I was 8. She used the pregnancy to convince my dad not to leave her and to prove she was sobering up once again. He would catch her sneaking drinks here and there through the pregnancy and she'd promise it was the last time.

In her last trimester, she sobered up again and thankfully, Kyler was unharmed and healthy when he was born. My dad finally left my mom a few weeks after Kyler came home when I called him from our home phone at work because Kyler was crying and my mom wouldn't do anything to make him stop. He came home to her passed out on the couch next to an empty brandy bottle. When I was old enough to understand, my dad explained to me that he had filed divorce but given my mom a small stipend to find her own place, since my dad had always taken care of the bills even though she also held a job. He gained full custody of us and would only let my mom visit at our house, if she was sober.

On a night she was supposed to come visit, she went to the bar instead and wrapped her car around a telephone pole on her way back to her apartment. The first responders found her dead when they arrived. I was 9 when she died, and didn't remember much of her. I never let it affect me growing up, and my dad did a phenomenal job of raising my brother and me. He was so dedicated to us that he hardly dated, and had only brought 3 women into the house over the years. I was lucky enough to come from a very tight-knit family, and my dad's sister stepped up to become a mother figure to us and was conveniently our neighbor so she was able to watch us during the day while our dad was working.

Growing up just the three of us, my relationship with my dad was great and I told him everything. He was my best friend by my side through the petty fights with friends in middle school and the countless boy problems. He was always in the front row of all of my dance performances and even learned some of my routines when I was younger to help practice. However, he had no idea of the truth behind Justin and me.

I played with the ends of my hair and made a note to do some research on stylist as I listened to his phone ring.

When he finally picked up, I heard his warm voice boom through the earpiece, "There you are! I thought you forgot about your lowly father in your big time, grad school life!"

His sarcasm made me smile and miss all the time we spent joking with each other.

"Hey daddy. I'm sorry I didn't call. I didn't forget about you and I miss you so much. I've just been busy trying to settle in and I've been having a little bit of a hard time, which is what I... is that a woman I hear in the background?"

I paused after I heard what sounded like a female voice greeting my dad on the other end.

He chuckled nervously and said, "Well I wanted to hear all about you but you busted me. I'm seeing someone."

I couldn't contain my excitement. My dad deserved someone in his lif, especially now that I was on my own and Kyler was growing up and not needing to always be taken care of.

"Well Daddio, who's the lucky lady? I need to research her to make sure she's fit for you," I laughed.

"You might know her actually," he answered, "her name is Roxanne. She has a daughter about your age. I think her name is Ashley."

Confessional

"There's actually something you need to know."

The serious tone that had crept into Lyndsey's voice after I mentioned losing another chance with Justin left me feeling suspicious and my mind began to wander. Because of our close friendship, she was around Justin a lot and the got along well. She had always liked him until the last few months of our relationship when she told me something didn't seem right, and she didn't maintain a friendship with him after that. Had she talked to him recently? Did she know something I didn't about our relationship?

Lyndsey pulled me out of my thoughts by saying, "It's about Justin."

My heart sank as I realized it couldn't be good news. Did I even want to know? Much of my move was inspired by trying to leave Justin and the bad memories in the past. Was what Lyndsey wanted to tell me going to pull me back into that past? Curiosity got the best of me and I asked Lyndsey what she meant.

"I don't want to tell you to upset you, but you're my best friend and I want you to know the truth," she paused and took a breath and continued, "about your relationship with Justin."

At this, my stomach dropped even further knowing I was about to hear something that would break my heart. I barely managed to squeak out an answer to Lyndsey to tell me.

"One of the aides I work with is friends with Ashley and she was chatting with me the other day at in-service. She said something about helping move one of her friends into her new house. We are both the newest faculty so we bonded a little bit and I try to get to know her and have conversation with her. I didn't really think anything of it so of course I asked her a little more about where her friend was moving and how long they had been together. So, she starts describing the neighborhood and it really sounds like the place you lived with Justin... then she describes the house. It's your old place," she stopped to let me process.

I had an idea where she was going with this but I kept the denial strong and chimed in, "Maybe he's moved since then?"

Lyndsey sighed and continued, "No Lila. Because then she told me his name was Justin," another pause and a deep breath, "Then she said she first met this guy when her friend Ashley began bringing him around their friend group in early September, and her friend started talking about him in August. She said she really thinks this is the guy for Ashley and he does so much for her. I guess he did a lot of putting off work and leaving early to spend time with her and make it to their friend group functions. Apparently this was a huge sacrifice for him because as she told me, this guy was working to make up the money he spent supporting his ex-girlfriend who demanded everything but refused to contribute financially and often disappeared on him for days at a time. Lila, the reason Justin was MIA so much those last few months is Ashley."

I felt my head spinning as I tried to put together what Lyndsey had told me. I had been around Ashley. She knew I was Justin's girlfriend and that we lived together and I knew that she was Justin's friend from work. How did I miss this? Had she known what she was doing or did Justin tell her something else? I spent so many months questioning how I let our relationship fail and what I was doing wrong. Could I have prevented this by spending more time with Justin and less time pursuing my career?

Before I knew it, the thoughts began to pour out in a landslide as I begged Lyndsey for some answers. When she tenderly answered, "I'm so sorry. I wish I was there with you to make this easier for you." I couldn't hold back the tears and we spent the next few minutes with Lyndsey giving me words of comfort in between my sobs.

When I finally gathered myself again, I raked Lyndsey over the coals for more answers. "Did you say anything to her?"

"I didn't know what to say, so I just kind of changed the subject. If she brings up Ashley and Justin again, do you want me to say something to her?"

I considered this for a minute. Is this something I wanted to get involved in or leave miles away from me?

"Maybe hold off on saying anything. I just... Lynds, I don't understand how it happened and the story Ashley's friend told you. And how didn't I think anything of her being over or Justin talking about her at work? How could I let this happen?"

"Lila Eloise. I want you to listen to me right now," Lyndsey started sternly, "You are gorgeous and intelligent and driven. You have such a big heart and are already so successful. You're so talented and there is nothing wrong with you that would warrant being treated like that. I think Ashley knew what was going on. I think both her and Justin are making up a story and spreading the lie to make themselves look better. I mean, who is going to admit they were destroying another relationship? Justin looking like the poor, abandoned victim and Ashley looking like the blessing that comes in and fixed his life is the perfect way to cover up the truth behind their relationship. I know this is so fucked up, but please PLEASE don't beat yourself up over this. It's been almost a year and you're off on a great new start for yourself. There's no way you could have seen it and that's not something you should have to question when you have been together as long and you and Justin were. He's not worth any worrying from you. I promise if I hear this making its way around, I'll squash it."

I let a small smile slip as I thanked Lyndsey for breaking the news to me and having my back. We chatted a little more before hanging up. I let out a long stream of air as I mentally recapped what I had just learned. For those last few months we were together, when it seemed like Justin was slipping away because of work while he was actually falling into Ashley. All of those cancellations should have been a red flag but he let me believe trying to provide for us was taking so much of his time. For so much of that time, he let me believe I was hurting our relationship as a way to justify his behavior. And now, they've been together for almost a year and Ashley was moving into my old house. With Justin. I was still in shock that this was the truth behind the end of my relationship with Justin when I picked up my phone and began typing:

I made this move for me. I figured after spending so much time trying to be everything you wanted, it was time to really be what I wanted. Especially when it turns out you wanted something else. It would be slightly difficult to fix us and give us another chance when you're in a relationship, wouldn't it?

I aggressively jabbed at the send button and got up to continue working on the maze of boxed occupying my living room. I had powered through three boxes when my phone vibrated on the island and I checked it to find the response:

 Still only focused on yourself I see. You know I wouldn't be with Ashley if you had come to your senses and put in the effort to fix what YOU destroyed. She meant nothing to me, did you expect me to stand by while you hopped under the sheets with Aaron. It's not my fault she was a good rebound and it worked out to keep her around. I'd still be willing to give you a chance if you grew up and stopped chasing those silly dreams you think you're going to accomplish.

I reread the response once, twice, three times more before fighting back another round of tears and making a couple of screenshots. To reduce the pain I would be facing, I blocked Justin's number before deleting all conversations between us. I set my phone back on the island before sliding down to the floor and giving in to the first of many more rounds of body-shaking sobs.

You Need to Know

After the abrupt end to my relationship with Justin, I moved back to my parents' house where I finished the rest of school. The lease on the house Justin and I had shared was set to expire in January. When we were building our dream, we had decided to resign the lease for another year together. Rather than attempt to find another place, I commuted from my hometown to school, which was quite convenient with only one class a week and my internship and dance obligations. After a week of processing this loss, I reached out to Justin in an attempt to repair what had been broken. While I couldn't bring myself to explain what had really happened, I held onto a thin shard of optimism that maybe we could return to what we had, and leave the last few weeks behind. I had even cut off all contact with Aaron after leaving his house that morning, and went as far as blocking his number. I wanted to forget him and what he did to destroy my relationship in the worst way.

I quickly lost that optimism when Justin and I met at a coffee shop near our old house and he made it clear that he no longer wanted anything to do with me. We had hardly sat down and Justin informed me there was no chance of fixing anything after leaving him when all he does is work hard for me. While this was not at all what I  wanted to hear, I knew better than to fight it. Instead, I tried to keep it civilized and address the big priority: figuring out the lease and setting up a time to come back and get my larger items. While I wanted to stop by with my dad and his truck to gather my belongings and leave the key behind, Justin insisted he did not trust us alone there. This came as a surprise to me; I would never do anything other than grab what belonged to me, and Justin had always loved my dad. Wanting to just get it over with and not feel any more pain, I agreed to a time and day that worked for Justin to be there and we went our separate ways.

Three days before Christmas, the day we had agreed on for me to come back for my furniture and the rest of my belongings, my dad and I drove into the city with him trying to keep me positive the whole ride. He didn't even know the reason behind my split with Justin; nobody did. All he knew was what I had told him in the few months leading up to our split when we would spend time together just talking. I couldn't tell him the horrible person I had become, because I couldn't even stand what I had done. When we arrived, Justin wasn't there but there was another car in the garage. When my phone call went straight to voicemail, my dad made the decision to let ourselves in rather than wait for Justin to show up. 

We had gathered almost everything and were moving the couch and living room set my parents had bought me when the door opened and Justin walked in, Ashley trailing  behind him. He took one look around before shouting, "What the hell do you think you are doing?", to which I replied we had waited nearly 45 minutes after the time set by Justin and he still wasn't around. He defensively said Ashley's car was having issues and he had to take her to finish her Christmas shopping. Something didn't seem right but I didn't want to push the issue any further. While Ashley and Justin watched, my dad and I loaded up the last of the furniture and I left my key, letting Justin know I would stop by the leasing office to take my name off the new lease. After a quick stop at the leasing office to remove my name from the new lease in January and getting my deposit back, we were back home with my furniture all moved into my parents' basement. 

While I was home and surrounded by family who thankfully didn't push for details on my failed relationship, I couldn't quite get myself into the festivities of the holidays and spent most of my time sitting alone and nursing a drink. This was the first Christmas I had spent alone in years, and felt lost without the feeling of sharing gifts with somebody special. 

The holidays passed and the loneliness continued into my final semester. While leaving campus after taking care of arrangements for graduation in the spring, I ran into Aaron for the first time after the night at his house. He had heard about Justin and I and asked how I was holding up. When I tried to convince him I was holding up alright, he gave me look telling me he could see right through my act. I was surprised when he told me I was better off, and the only one that couldn't see how Justin had been treating me. Before letting me go, he asked to get together and hang out sometime. It might have been the loneliness or the subtle flirtation that had existed between us, but I agreed.

After running into each other that day, Aaron and I easily fell into our old friendship, but the chemistry had intensified greatly. I had forgotten what it felt like to have somebody interested in me, and began to enjoy Aaron's attention. By March, we were regularly spending time together, with me spending 3 or 4 nights a week at his house. Our relationship was carefree and so easy. We had just made the relationship official when Justin began finding his way back in my life claiming he wanted to try to work on us again. He was easy to ignore at first, but began trying to cause more and more problems for Aaron and I. 

Just before graduation, Aaron told me he valued our friendship and me as a person, but could not be in a relationship where the past couldn't stay in the past. I was so scared of being alone that losing this relationship that had hardly been a relationship devastated me. 

Before going our separate ways, Aaron brought up that December night, "I always assumed you knew what happened that night, but if you don't remember, I wanted to promise you nothing happened. You were extremely drunk and I tried to get you to go to bed instead of driving back to your house. You wandered up to my room and began ranting about everything that was going on with Justin before taking off all of your clothes and claiming my bed. I knew your relationship was going through a tough time, but I wouldn't have been able to do something like that. I slept downstairs that night. One of the girls from the group called Justin to let him know but he didn't answer. We never talked about it and I didn't want to bring it up and you freeze me out. You deserve to know."

Aaron's confession both relieved and shocked me. I ended my relationship with Justin for nothing but I could move on knowing I did not act how I had thought I did. I could have had another chance with Justin, but I knew things were beyond repair and we had both changed. I also had an upcoming move to handle. In the time since I left Justin, I began looking at graduate programs and jobs, ready to truly leave the hurt behind me. I had committed to this move to Minnesota and had landed a job at a large clinic as an athletic trainer. I had been excited for the new start, but felt the pain of leaving family and close friends behind, leaving my dance career, and finally cutting the ties that held me to the past five years. 

Lyndsey was my best friend, but I had cut nearly everybody out, including her, and only spent small amounts of time with her without giving her too much detail surrounding my relationship. Having her on the phone now and confessing my last six months to her felt so relieving.

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell what was going on as it was happening. You always have my back and I should have known I would need your support," my voice shook as I finished filling Lyndsey in.

"Ellie," Lyndsey began, using the nickname she had given me back in high school she made up from the initials of my first names, "I'm glad Aaron was honest with what really happened but he should have told you way before he did. I don't care if he was worried about your reaction. Even if you had done what you thought you did, I would be here for you. It's not right and I don't agree, but I understand where it would have been coming from."

I couldn't have been more grateful for the support Lyndsey was giving me and I missed my best friend more than ever.

"Thank you so much Lyndsey. I felt so guilty for so long. After it happened, I tried to rebuild the relationship with Justin but he wanted nothing to do with me and of course I didn't tell him the truth. I wish I had known this before leaving. Maybe we would have another chance. Sometimes I wish I didn't commit to moving here so we could have fixed it when he did come around. Anyway," I continued, my mood brightening, "I'm so glad I got to talk to you, Lynds. I miss you so much. I forgot how easy it is to tell you everything."

Lyndsey was quiet for a minute before saying, "I missed you too, Lila Eloise. Don't regret that your relationship with Justin ended and you didn't get to give it another chance. There's actually something you need to know."